what i should have said

follow-up to what i'll never get to say — top story, october 2025

no.

when my husband asked me if you were someone he needed to worry about, i should have just said no and left it alone. but some part of my brain reads things like these as dares. and for all my strength, i am as weak to my own witless urges as the next impulse-impaired adult. it screamed "prove it" until i did something drastic and reached out to you.

instead of shutting it down, i endeavored to reopen a decade-closed wound. i needed to show him how much you weren't a threat by showing him you don't want me any more now than you did then, which was minimal. i made an absolute certainty of it, showing you all the crazy that disqualifies me. and you don't even know the half of it.

it turns out, you're not actually my type. i choose men who choose me and you chose yourself (valid af, by the way, no judgement). you can get bonus points for being big, bearded, brunette, or having BDE but the important thing was to make an effort. oh! you're all chefs, too, which is hilarious; gtfo my kitchen when i'm cooking but also cook for me is peak princess energy. or maybe cult leader energy.

i asked all of you to do one impossible task. only my husband completed his, and he says i have to pick one daddy. that's why you're not on my psn anymore, even though that's how i reached out to you in the first place. the thing is, i don't think you actually care about it but i have to explain in case you do. the curse of returning my conscience.

his task was that phone call. squirrel has thirteen, including building a rose garden on the moon (which he solved the technical side of and just needs funds for). he ran out of time when hubby made the call, as did you to send me a song for your playlist or make the drive to me. three hours, two for a month. it's not chicago, but it'd do. c'est la vie.

to be clear, you did nothing wrong. you just don't care, and no amount of batting my eyes or turning up the charm will change that. you are steadfast in your indifference, and for that i am grateful. you can always be relied upon to rebuff any deeper feelings than surface level friendship and base attraction, and that's exactly what i needed from you.

i can't send this one like i sent the last one, and i hope i don't text you instead. to be honest, i hope i can just walk the fuck away like i said i would because my life as it is now depends on it and i don't want to move to florida or go back to being homeless over someone who definitely would not throw their life away for me, much less when my husband has done so much work in such a short amount of time and all of it for me. the least i can do is ghost the ghost.

but it's not in me to not explain myself, so here is another goodbye letter for you to not read just like you never read the last one. for what it's worth, i really do think we could have had some excellent talks over coffee while the kids gamed. it's too bad we never got the chance. you taught me about patience. now it's my turn to teach you a life lesson.

sometimes, things have a clock on them.