Here I Sit, My Foot Tap-Tap-Tapping

I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't the quiet, dense, anxious space between breaths I found myself waiting in. My arms are tired from the clenching of my fists and holding my elbows to the sides of my body in an effort to shore up what is soft with what strength I can muster. My feet are bouncing in a chaotic anti-rhythm of panic as I play the words over and over in my head where they echo in my heart. His pleas, my goodbyes.

What if they're the last ones I ever say or the last I ever hear from him? I know I said what I meant, but did I say everything he meant to me? I couldn't, there simply aren't enough words in the language to accomplish such a monumental task. Try I did, though, and I am going to have to console myself with that effort while I do the hard part and get the healing I so desperately need.

I couldn't get the peace I needed at home, and I'm not sure that I'll be able to find it here, either. For one thing, I wasn't counting on having my kiddo in tow for his leg of my journey. Don't get it twisted, I'm glad to not be missing my offspring and I would for sure be doing so. But divided attention means less time to work on what I needed to work on and little-ish ears means being guarded about what I say in a place I wasn't supposed to need to do that.

That's not the only snag. Unfortunately, the services I was counting on receiving are not quite as advertised in this admittedly safe space. This puts a damper on my plans for recovery as they were reliant on professional help. Luckily, I am scrappy and should still be able to make this work for my needs using only the hotlines and similar resources that are available locally. Unluckily, I left half a dozen things I need at home and can't retrieve them, nor can I retrieve clothing for the kiddo whose company I wasn't expecting.

Such are the consequences of our current reality, but they won't be that way forever. This was always meant to be a temporary waystation on my path to self-realization and lasting internal peace. What remains to be determined is my final destination and the duration of this leg of the journey. My intention was to get to a place where I could make these decisions without coercion, and now I'm here. The next step is much more complex: weighing all the pros and cons of a life together or a life alone.

See, my husband is certain that the crux of my issue is another, better man catching my eye and redirecting my attention from home toward the ever-enticing unknown. In reality, that man did nothing but make me realize I deserved better from the man I had or at least deserved the peace of mind and body that comes with a life of quiet, contemplative solitude.

It's a peace the man in question, himself, is currently pursuing with vigor and I couldn't be happier for him or his kids who have a parent who is actually trying to be happy. Not just going through the motions or making token gestures towards healing—really trying to make a positive change in his life the same way I am.

I suppose if you step back and squint, you could twist that into a kind of temptation. Me? I see it as a catalyst to a reaction already waiting in the wings. And that difference in perspective might just be our undoing.