Voices and Noise

I am here at this place I am not wanting to be, but some part of me knows or accepts that this is probably the only viable way to get out or at least show some sort of productive progress towards my goals.

My ego need to chill for the moment so I can actually do something, and really it is the only thing I can do at the moment.

Some things are getting done, I am not fond of the idea of trying to raise my SSI as it is... basically doing extra work for pennies. I mean, if we get lawsuit going, that would be more beneficial. But the thing that was most useful from today was the mention of housing grants. I know that will take a while, but it might be relief in the future just to sort of smooth things out.

I actually applied to the apartment, which I am happy about but one call from Jahon left me in a complete mess. He was just saying the usual thing...

We've been seeing each other for 1 year, but it was only one month..

I had no idea how to reply. I think he was crying? I mean, yes sir, what do you want me to say to that? I felt like he was using a script since it was the same thing he said a bit ago. I wish I could believe he had something to tell me, like if I waited until the end something would have meaning... Reading what I wrote I know my anxiety is flaring like a mother fucker. But we can't talk. He is not stupid. Maybe he's as afraid as me but, I don't think that's the case. He's too extrovert for that I think but I can believe he's depressed right now.

I know I am just as toxic as he is at this time. I really hate it. I feel like I'm surviving by being in the shadows. I wasn't like this before but, I hate having to admit that that's what I've devolved to. I think, it is the happy thoughts and dreams that keeps me going. I have to keep faith. Like Kenta said, " Shinkou ga hitsuyou, Kayla. "

I don't even know what to write at this point... I feel like I should keep somethings to myself. In this day and age where even thoughts are for sell.

I sort of doubt Vocal is really recording readings correctly I think the is a problem when people access it from the app. That's a lot of lost reads from people.

I learned your name though, Jahon... it means " the world/universe "

What a grand name. You've travelled so much so, I guess you fit your namesake. I think... I I have to learn to let you go. I can't even afford to cry in front of my family. It is very hard.

I'm listening to a tarot video about twin flames. I don't know what that is anymore.

My brother sent me a message, it had no meaning.

Just want to let you know I will always love you! Sorry life couldn't of been simpler.

Ah. Ok.

I have no idea why he wrote that. What did he hear to make him write that I wonder?

I am tempted to use my dice more but, I know that is a crutch in making decisions. I know that, last time I did that I kissed Robert and regretted it so, I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I guess to prevent consternation.

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