Used to

I used to think I needed you. I used to think I loved you- I used to. I used to cry alone, wondering what I did wrong; why you didn’t love me. Enough or at all, just why? I used to wonder what I could do to make you see the greatness I had inside. I used to feel like I wasn’t good enough. I used to feel like I was your biggest mistake; a regret. I used to think I wasn’t good enough; like I couldn’t measure up to those before me. I wanted to be different, I was, but I wasn’t. I wanted to make you laugh and smile like no other, again. I used to. I wanted to change your view about the world, through our eyes. I used to think it could be us against the world. I used to think the fairy tale in my head would one day come true before it was too late. I used to lie awake at night and cry myself to sleep (if I slept). I used to make my self sick from countless times of counting my mistakes. All the times I replayed the things we’ve said that hurt; I thought less of myself because of my mistakes. I used to want to look at you and feel proud for baring your mark on me. I used to try and convince myself I wasn’t tired of chasing something that probably wasn’t meant to be. I used to measure my worth by how much I resembled others who were highly regarded in your eyes. I used to shape my life around how you made me feel. I used to wait for signals to bring me closer to your heart. I used to hate myself because I felt like I wasn’t good enough- not to hurt you. I knew I wasn’t perfect, but some people were deemed as such, but they weren’t there anymore. I used to want to give you the world and be one of your favorite people. I used to want to know everything about you that makes you smile, cry, love harder, mad, and everything else. I used to want so much more than what I had been given. I used to want more than you were willing to give or needed to share. I used to want a lot. I thought I needed those things; I really did. Now I know that I’m used to being used to a thought. But now... I choose to find me. And that’s someone I have to restore from the ground up and get used to loving unconditionally. I used to want to hold your hand all day and night. I used to want to have you all to myself. I used to crave your body, mind and presence. I used to allow us to drain everything. I used to allow myself to drain and depend on you. I used to think I could make you happy- even though I wasn’t built for the task. I can’t make you happy and I did a pretty good job tearing you down because of it, destroying what i could not appreciate. A lack of understanding- I used to think it was just bad luck. I used to think of so much.. but still not enough. I used to regret knowing you regret knowing me, the hurt, the IDK. I know you need distance and I need mine too. I’m not used to it though.. so much to say and nothing really matters. I used to think it would somehow fall into place.........