Unspoken Words

Dear my mother, I know you know. I saw you take out the diary and flip through the pages. I watched you from the window and I stared in your direction. It surprising that you never saw me.

It was not to long after the secret had been formed. It was still very fresh in my mind so I couldn’t imagine how it made feel.

Father told me not to tell you. He said you wouldn’t understand. I believed him because all we’ve ever wanted to do is protect you.

After you found out I thought there was nothing to talk about. I didn’t bring it up and neither did you.

You knew the truth and that’s all I believed you needed. I didn’t want to see you upset or questioning everything and so I never said a word.

It’s been about a month since I’ve started this letter. It’s been hard to work on it again since I know what it means once I finish it.

It’s crazy for me to write this letter knowing the only way you would every read it is if I were to die.

Maybe in the future we would be able to talk about it but you haven’t even brought up the secret. I’m wondering if you truly don’t know or if you just want to pretend everything’s normal for awhile.

I miss when I looked like you. My eyes that sparkled like summer blue lakes and my hair that whistled in the wind. The one thing neither of us seem to have anymore is are wide smiles. I guess recently we both had lost it.

Lots of people used to call me your mini me. I always thought it was so funny. I even agreed. We looked so alike didn’t we?

Dad took me to the park today. I just sat and watched the kids play. Lately I’ve been too cooped up in my room. It’s making me lonely.

I start having thoughts I don’t want to have and it makes me nauseous. I remember when I could talk to you about this stuff.

I’m just so afraid now that I could hurt you. I would never want to do that. Not in a million years.

It’s been three months since I’ve started this letter. I’m not at home anymore and I think it hurts you to come visit me.

Dad does sometimes when he isn’t at work but even when he’s here we both don’t know what to say anymore. You were always good for situations like that.

You could make any akward situation fun in seconds. I miss having you around to do that.

You know I should have told you my secret but either way I don’t think you could have believed me. You’re scared just like I am and your reaction would be disbelief.

I feel so bad. I just want to hold you and I want get through this together. I miss you constantly. I’m so sorry that’s it’s hard for me to fight it but I just can’t anymore.

I guess I haven’t put it into words on the paper because I’ve been scared but yes I have stage four cancer. I was moved into the hospital a month ago. They have told me at most I have a week left to live.

I can barely speak anymore and the nurse is writing the rest of the letter for me. I’m sorry mom. I should have told you how sick I was before because maybe I could still have the chance to say the words I love you.