Unrequited Love

I never meant to fall for him, this boy with dark brown hair and eyes that matched the color of the sea on a stormy day. I never meant to fall for his smirk as well as his smile and the way he seemed to never care about anything at all. I never meant to fall for him and maybe that's why I fell so damn hard.

When I met him this past year he meant nothing, just a face that you see as you go along your day. Our pathes crossed often due to us being on the same sports team but I didn't think I'd fall. And when I fell, I didn't think I would fall this hard.

We used to talk on the car rides over to practice and used to fight about which one of us would be forced to sit in the middle. Everyday we would agrue and compain and plot against one another, hoping that the other would be stuck with the unforchante fate of the middle seat. I got used to his nudges and dirty glances as well as his stuborness and his tendency to be a sore loser. We made bets and I was estatic when he lost.

I found myself thinking of him constantly. Even during times when I shouldn't. He was an ever present thought that I couldn't escape from, even when I closed my eyes. He became a 'maybe', a 'what if'. He became the most dangerous thing you can be: he became hope.

And so I hoped, hoped that he would feel the same and hoped that if I waited long enough he would like me. I gave him my snapchat and my number. We continued to talk in the car but now it felt different. And maybe that's why we never became anything, because I cared too much and he never cared enough.

I would wait hours for him to text me only for his texts to be one worded sentences that were deprived of all emotion. I asked him why it took so long to get an answer and he told me it was because he was hardly on his phone. And it hurt, but I accpeted it.

And everytime I texted him I would wait in angst for him to respond. I would check my phone constantly to see if he had answered.

He rarely did.

And it hurt me. Hurt to see him almost everyday but yet hear practically nothing from him when we weren't face to face. To have 'moments' with him only to be left wondering if I was the only one who felt something between us. It hurt that he never responded when all I wanted was to talk to him, to know that for a moment, just one tiny second in time, he was thinking of me.

But he never was.

I can not describe all our moments together or convey perfectly the emotions they made me feel but I remember every interaction we ever had. Even after all these month apart. Even though I'll say I moved on. If he gave me a chance tomorrow I think I would take it. Just to see him smile and to hear him laugh. Just to watch his hair fall into his eyes and observe how he pushes it out of his face. Just to see his eyes one last time.

My secret is that I loved him, this boy who never loved me. My secret is that if someone asks me about my first love I will think of him, despite the nothingness that we became. My secret is that I still miss him and that it still is painful he doesn't even care that I am gone.