Tombstone

I remember being in the car with Jahon, who was using sign language for crying. I don't know if it was mocking or he was tripping so hard he was in another fucking dimension.

Now I am thinking about it, I am not sure I can trust whatever happened. That was the stupidest connection ever, if I can even call it a connection.

I am all the way in Sherwood right now after dropping off the book like a pussy; I didn't even ring the door bell or knock, I just left it on his front porch. His truck was there in his driveway so, he most likely saw me creeping up on his lawn, unless he was at the gym. We can only hope. I have half a mind to go back but I feel like, I might hate it more. I worry I might hate it so much I'll do something rash. I am more worried about my mouth, I don't know if that would be a good thing since he loves his camera, who knows if he set them to the front. I know he has one in the backyard. but I don't know if..

Mother fucking Jason messaging me.

Ugh, I hate this.

I have a few more things on my list I have but, I don't even want to do it. I just want to go back to Yuuichirou's house. I am here with Gabby at Starbucks and I am trying not to show that I am disappointed in myself, but if I am this much of an idiot, I kind of deserve it.

I don't have a highlighter marker, it's usually how I crossed out the things I have completed on my list so, I am feeling like my work schedule book is useless right now.

I guess I have to keep everything on my phone now.

I think what bothers me the most is that, he probably is going to end up with this woman. Probably going to take her to Japan like he promised me.

I guess I just need to prepare for my own plans rather than pout around jealous. I gave him the book. That was my big hang up.. But I am waking up this morning feeling like, I don't have a clear idea what I should do. Though oddly enough I feel very clear minded? Or I guess, my emotions are not in the way necessarily right now so, I really just have a road in front of me to go down.

Making a cup of coffee, hoping that will cure my depression and allow me to move even more.

I do know that, I still need to find a place to stay... But I also am starting to feel motivated to work on my projects so... I am not sure. I mean, on a personal/emotional level, the idea of my inspiration coming back feels good but my more practical mind is screaming, " Why can't you be normal?! "

I also started my period today so, I don't have to be worried about being pregnant with Jahon's baby. That's a blessing. I really want to decide consciously how to move forward, but I just have a blank in my mind.

I think the idea of staying here until the end of the year is sort of too much. Just because I am in a better state of mind right now, doesn't change the abuse from my family. I still need to maintain my boundaries. But, I'll try to enjoy this bit of grace for a while during this period.