The Attic

I had sort of a panic attack/breakdown; really wanting to leave the house I am currently in. I talked to Cass, a former patient of Cedar Hills I was locked up with, he convinced me that I should stay here until I save up the money to leave properly because it would be harder to figure myself out in foster care or a shelter.

After crying and having chest pains, I finally calmed down and actually felt the most peace I have in a while, and I just felt grateful for small things, like my blanket. It was perfectly warm and soft. I was grateful for just feeling better too. That peace of mind sort of enveloping my brain and watching a video while it is raining gave me major fall vibes and I just teleported mentally to a quieter time.

I am severely emotionally harassed and abused in this house. I try to avoid the other occupants as much as possible. I stay in my room and lock the door. The lock on the door is the only thing that makes me feel safe. When I do manage to leave the room to go to the bathroom, I have to make sure I lock the door each time.

I am not allowed to cook so, I buy more prepackaged foods and microwaveable things. But to be honest, I think even if I could cook I wouldn't have the time because the main goal is to completely leave here.

I dreamt that my grandma was laying on a bed similar to mine in her living room. Probably because she visited the other day.

The tarot card realms have been warning me that someone is going to ask me for forgiveness soon. Half of the readers are saying, don't fuck with that person and the other half is saying I should give them a chance. Until they pop out of the woodworks, I really don't know how I'll feel. I do know that I am in a more receptive mood right now than last week so, I am probably more leaning towards forgiveness. Als apparently some sort of Aries-Scorpio spirit is hovering around right now. I am like, fuck that. I don't need no raging death eater or nazgul mofo up in my space.

Talking to Kim sort of was just more stress, basically she was suggesting I go back to school, which is fine I mean I have used financial aid and what not before, I have had it work out for me but I feel like that's just going to keep me in this town and I won't really have any other sort of time to do anything. But just based off her talking, she didn't really think or put any thought into what I might be able to do or, didn't follow the leads I gave her.

It sort of made me lose faith in people especially when she started mentioning chatGPT is necessary for her to think. That turned me off completely. Now I am just looking at my list of to-do's feeling like no one will help me with any of it. I am halfway wondering if I should just try to brokerage something with Gabby to help me with some of the admin-y things and see if she'd be open to that. Since that would be technically outside of her job description I don't expect her to say yes. She does come from a religious background and probably is more keen on rules.. But, who knows? Maybe she'd be interested. I should give her a chance.