This isn't goodbye

It's know ones fault really it's just something that wasn't expected or foreseen, by the time you read this I would have already boarded a plain for destinations unknown this will be a new life a fresh start! There's know point looking for me or calling as I've already taken care of everything in in other words i won't be contactable until i find my forever home, Once I've established myself I will be in touch. I'm sorry I know that this is going to come as a shock to some of you as you all thought I was in a loving happy marriage unfortunately it wasn't as it seemed turn's out I'm a better actor than I thought! I was desperately lonely & so insecure of my future. I'm not shaw when I finally realised I was know longer in love with this man all I know is that I saw inside myself & realised I didn't want to end up like our Parents, I want an open honest happy relationship with someone who know's nothing about me or my background, I want to spend the last part of my life being happy, not constantly questioning my choices this time! I'm jumping feet first with know general plan really other than I now want to be happy, I've realised that I've been miserable and living in a loveless marriage for Mmmmm well who knows how many years I guess? don't get me wrong I will always love the father of my children but I finally realised I wasn't in love with him, Can you imagine how draining & exhausting verbal abuse can be especially when that person is drunk it becomes to overwhelming & the fact that he never listens to me, he never stuck up for me he left me in jail, I was never secure nor did I ever feel secure he always made me question myself & I always felt inadequate, what I've realised is that everything has always been one sided in our marriage why else do we have seperate bank accounts? This certainly didn't help matters much it just made me more aware how selfish he really is, I was becoming numb not showing any emotion it was almost non-exisiting, I asked him if he could pay for me to have surgery when he received his inheritance as I wanted what was called a Mummy make over, which would have cost $25.000 & he said No, I think thats when I realised it was a one way street all his way & nothing my way, I thought of all the things I'd sacrificed over the years & why I'd done that or made those choices, the more I thought about it the more I didn't like where I was in life every year I would contribute to the house in one way or another, I'd paid for the solar panels so it would cut the cost of our power bill just so I wouldn't have to listen to him whinning about how much the power cost, I paid for the patio so it would take the sun off the back walls & so it would finish our house off, I'm always using my money for quite a lot if I wanted a social life if we needed extra shopping for all bits and bobs here & their, I often wondered how much longer I was going to put up with this person that I use to love & whom I held in high regard? What was the triggering point for me truthfully honestly! See these are the things I've been over thinking about for way to long, I really don't want to think about them any more, I just want to enjoy what life I have left not having to over think Issues's, never having to worry about anyone other than myself! Selfish I know but when you look into yourself like I have you realise that life is to short and when you look at how you've spent your life you automatically realise how much you've wasted it on a person who doesn't value you or your thoughts at all, when reality hits that's when you start looking into yourself as to what your going to do how are you going to change things for you to have a better life, or are you going to continue on this roundabout ride leading to know where except for where you've just come from.

In the end & the more he did these things the harder it was to forget & then in the end that was all I could remember, I couldn't remember the good times we shared it was all blurred out because of all the bad, I just wished I'd realised all this before I turned 52 I mean seriously my younger years I spent in a volatile untrusting marriage and for what to finally realise at my age that I need more No! I want more is it so wrong for me wanting to be happy & at piece? I don't think thats a lot to ask for right? When it was good it was good however the bad always out weighed the good & the changes I asked for never happened! I felt more comfortable in my own room with my door locked so I wasn't disturbed! Suffocation is alarmingly uncomfortable that's how I felt every time I was in his presence never really feeling at ease, For the first time in my life I live life to the fullest and won't hold back I will be around people who won't know anything about me & they will be interested in what I have to say why? Because they've never come across anyone like me before & who knows I might actually meet some really nice people who might actually become good friends, I won't be ignored anymore I will never have to repeat myself ever again! So now after years of mental abuse & feeling so completely useless, I decided it was time to move on for the benefit of my health & his, for the first time in life I'm seeing things so clearly and with an open mind & you know now I've realised this I'm comfortable with myself & my decision.

Who would have thought after all this time & all these years also being the age I am how could I make this decision on my own & why couldn't I talk to you all about this it's actually quite simple I already made my decision & you all would have tried to talk me out of what I've decided to do that's why I never informed you all, Please forgive me I know it's going to break your heart's & I truly am sorry it's not what I wanted to do & it's not to purposely hurt any of you, I just need a new start where I am a complete stranger & yes I've left the country, All my accounts are now closed so as recently explained I will be in touch once I've found my final destination, I'm not really sure if I will settle in another country or just go for a holiday & move some where in Australia? However I will be in touch I ask you to be there for him and my children especially my daughter she will have a really hard time with this situation she will understand however i know that she will miss me terribly so I need you all to keep an eye on her for me, when I've settled I'll send for her even if its just for a holiday, I will eventually come back for a visit & I have all your address's and your phone numbers so please don't change them. Also keep an eye on him as this is going to hit him hard, however I did warn him that the day would come when he would arrive home & I would have packed my things & left it still won't stop him from going through a hard time though so please look after him, he will more than likely turn to booze as that seems to be more of a comfort to him than me anyway, My beautiful sister's look out for one another be a shield for when things get rough don't give up on your dream's follow them and embrace every moment to the fullest, be each other's anchor & always remember I will always love you it may not be much & I hope I have been some what of a great role model I'm sorry for hurting you all towards our later years in life & I hope one day you will use the strength I've given as well as shown you to your benefit, don't stay in a poisonous relationship or some where you have to pretend all the time be happy & for once in your lives take chances enjoy your life be at peace with your choice's

Dad my stuff will need to be packed up and stored some where we'll the stuff that isn't distroyed any way if you don't mind can you please keep it all safe at the unit until I send for it please & don't be surprised if there's quite alot, as I only took the essentials that I'd require whatever I need I'll buy along the way! Dad I know all my life you've tried to do the best you could for all of us & I don't know why you continue to do the things you do however there's only so many times you can kick someone down before they can't take anymore try to be a better person, look after your health & know you we're always my role model, I always respected you more as i got older however at some point my respect level's started to change the more I saw the damage you we're willing to cause, it never stopped me from loving you though, you were our rock & our light in times of hardship, we could always count on you when things we're really bad! I will never forget how far you would go for your daughter's & for all those qualities I thank you & love you.

Mum even though we had a rocky start when I was younger and it took me till i was older to understand why you we're suffering & why you took your frustration and hurt out on the defencless it doesn't hurt anymore as I made peace with that side of our relationship years ago & I'm really glad that in the end we had the best connection I could possible imagine, we had some really great times didn't we. Mum if you don't want to continue to be hurt then stop looking for ammunition to use towards dad it only cause's unnecessary problems which cause a discord in the house plus your getting way to old to be rehashing old wounds, that is the past as hard as it is to deal with it's time to let it all go & start to live life in peace enjoy what's left of your life be forever happy I love you & I'm only wishing you the very best, I wouldn't want anyone else as my Māā I learn't some valuable life lesson's , thank you for giving me the time to love and cherish you, I will never forget all the special Mum & Daughter time we spent together, this isn't a complete goodbye but for now It is I'll see you later in life & Māā can you please look after him the best way you know how as the decision I've made could possibly send him into a spiral of extremely depression, he'll deal with the situation in three ways either by large consumptions of Alcohol & drugs, Anger or he will just shut himself off from the world so please keep an eye on him for me, it may seem. strange that I'm going to great extreme's, I don't want him to suffer anymore I only want him to be happy like he use to, the hardest time will be on his birthday as you know it will also be our 17th wedding anniversary so that's when he will be at his worst, his birthday is going to be a constant reminder of the love we once shared.I don't have any more anger towards him I just have pity & regret that It's taken me this long to wake up & see my life for what It truly is a complete and utter mess any way with your life to the fullest & I will see you when I see you & Mum please don't agonise over stupid things like why you didn't see this coming & how come you never new all that crap it will only send you loopy just see It for what It is a life changing event for me & I will be happy finding myself all over again, I love you.

Well I reckon I've covered everything I wanted to say to you all this is not a good bye this is a I will see you all again soon, don't forget evryone you have one life live it, embrace it, love it, follow your dreams don't let anyone or anything hold you back! live, love, laugh & be at peace. I'm leaving for a better less toxic life & hopefully I'll find someone who will love me just the way I am without being so judgemental or untrusting so for now Au revoir je te verrai bientôt ma belle famille je t'aimerai toujours (Goodbye I'll see you soon my beautiful family I will always love you).