This Is A Sign

Here I go again. I leave the house looking for signs of not being alone. I look for numbers, 111, 222,555,888. Something to let me know I am doing the right thing. I look for signs to let me know there is something bigger than myself. Some higher power that is guiding me in the right direction and telling me what steps to take next.

There is a sense of relief when I see them because I know that they are there to remind me that everything happens for a reason. Everything is there to let me know that nothing I choose to do is actually proof of my decision making skills. Trying to find meaning in the billboard quotes, the whispered conversations, the song lyrics.

SOMEONE send me a sign.

There has always been something spiritual in my life to provide safety. Since I can remember there has been a connection to a higher being that has somehow singled me out and found something special in me. “No one else but me can do this thing I’m here for,” I tell myself. No one can offer what I can offer.

But what is that? What can I offer? I ask myself daily. As if I don’t know what there is about me that can be helpful to anyone else. I don’t know who I am. Besides the person who wants to help, and the person who wants to disappear. Who am I really? Send me a sign. How can someone so lost, so broken, be of any help to anyone.

Cheated on, raped, belittled. I turned my pain into rage. I didn’t like rage; people didn’t accept me with it. I turned my rage into indifference. I didn’t like indifference, I forgot how to laugh, people don’t like that either.

SOMEONE send me a sign.

Who do I become? As I sit on the dewy grass with my head in my knees, I hear a flutter. My tears rush down my cheeks and my feet sink into the ground. I look up, there it is, my sign. As I look up I see hundreds of dragonflies fluttering right above my head. Anyone else that would’ve walked past could have told you it was migration season, but not me, this was a sign.

I sit and think. What is the spiritual meaning of dragonflies? What can universe be trying to tell me now?

SOMEONE send me a clearer sign.

Who should I be? What should I do? I ask myself in the middle of my career as a therapist. How can I help if there has been nothing but evil in my life? The “love” I have felt, has been based on sexual desire, the “understanding,” has been based on pity.

Who am I if I am not my body? Who am I if I am not what I do?

SOMEONE send me a sign.

As I sat across from my boss, I explained the thoughts behind my resignation. I cannot be enough for these children, they need someone who can give them stability, excitement, hope. I have nothing but anxiety, insecurity and exhaustion.

SOMEONE send me a sign.

There it is, my sign. It is right under my nose, in my cup. A bright orange marigold stares at me as I once more have tears drowning my eyes. Well, what does this mean. I didn’t know, but in that moment I felt hope. I felt like the universe was speaking to me again. As if my existence was being taken into consideration. As if my words were being heard by something bigger than myself again. As if I mattered.

I held onto that feeling and I looked into the meaning of marigolds. I read, “Flower of the dead”. No, I didn’t like that explanation. I kept looking and looking trying to find meaning in this moment that had made me pause in awe of my connection to something bigger.

Someone send me a sign.