THINGS FALL APART

THINGS FALL APART;

YOU NAG TOO MUCH; my first time of hearing this was from someone I trusted with my last breath. Yes he was then my happiness; his definition of nagging is I complain too much about what I don’t like. I point out things I wants to correct or change.

The question is how then can I make the change if they are not pointed out? Identifying the problem is now an issue termed as NAGGING.

I was hurt beyond redemption. He said vividly then that I shouldn’t keep things to myself. Being secretive isn’t something he will appreciate. Now speaking out is now a CRIME

Human being and its confused strategy and manipulation!!! !!!

As a young growing little child I was very secretive, I don’t share my pain or my happiness. I kept it all to myself so one could figure out my next move and plan. Obviously I was the bad egg.

For days I will get self- locked up in my room with the comfort of my novels, diary and phones. My life was peaceful, less dramatic though with many critics, however assumptions about what am capable off became the order of the day.

Am always seen to be capable of many atrocities like bullying, insults, anger however this lonely little girl was a victim of low self esteem, self pity and manipulation stigma and emotional trauma. I was just struggling from loneliness and lack of this fatherly love.

Right there during one of my lonely session in the small cubicle I called my room I with so much urge and effort think of what to do to Gain confidence, power and probably something that will give a head up above others. Then I got the answer.

LAW!; it funny how my little thinking faculty gained me the motivation to at all cost become a LAWYER. The morale, prestige, honour and applaud all makes me think I can never be trampled upon. Thinking I studied law as a self-shield is one funny thing to say aloud! In this lawless country?

Here I am; as a LAWYER yet still struggling with same self esteem, emotional trauma, stigma, and most importantly critics.

Gradually I learnt how to speak up, rant, talk and say my mind yet it is seen as a crime of being too excessive.

As expected, humans are not interested in the stories hence you can do what they want otherwise you uselessly exist.

One of my biggest fear is to uselessly exist to those I consider my own. Now it begins....

The second time someone said I nag too much came from my very own flesh and blood. How my fears being to play out start from this very moment. I ought to have gotten used to the word nagging and the critics that follows but I couldn’t hold back my tears while I listen to me being called names simply because I turned down an outing that going to drain me financially. Anyways I never expected her to understand me.

Am very bad at calculations but I became a perfect mathematician while staying alone and feeding on the mainland with just NYSC allowance.

Explaining how financially incapable I am at the moment and why I won’t be able to attend a family friends wedding which will cost me nothing less than 15,000 naira earned me the name NAGGING.

How can you possibly make an outing mandatory for me? Do you even think about my own opinion or whether am comfortable doing that? For some reason I decided not to attend can you at least respect that?

I got the name because I voiced out; what then happens if I had kept mute? and have the critics of being a secretive person.

Back to old days; even if I ended up being a bad person to everyone while am good to my conscience and capability it all well and good. I guess it pays to act bad and tough while you deal with your shit privately than act feeble and open minded while your shared shit is publicly and uselessly targeted.

At least an honour is restored while being bad and you have your emotions all guard up. No broken trust or expectation of empathy of any sort from anywhere.

Working towards becoming the then EMOTIONLESS person, staying all guard up without opportunity of letting out my weakness or knowing my vulnerability. Now baby girl has taken another step away from the public into the loneliness she fined solace and comfort in....

EXPECTATION HURTS!!! !!!