SHARTTERED EMOTIONS

SHATTERED EMOTIONS;

Emotions they says is mysterious, it has a mind of its own even its holder can lose control over it.

One boring afternoon joblessness and boredom took me to an unknown site and in couple of minutes I found myself scrutinizing the profiles of single and searching guys in their thirties.

Someone once said to understand the true meaning of frustrations then hangout with men in their thirties. Especially for sensitive and over thinker person like myself.

Maturity aside; those men are not cut out to pamper and feed the ogbanje spirit of stubbornness in us, rather by the time they are through with you the self claimed ogbanje spirit will evaporate.

They basically had enough to deal with than to feed and rub the egoism of ogbanje spirit.

Back to gist; being the shy type that I am it took me hours of contemplation before I could send a friendship email to those men that caught my attention.

‘No harm in trying they say’

I beg to differ because without trying some inevitable hurts can be avoided.

This is about to get interestingly addictive; grab your popcorn and relax;

Yes am not a preacher of love but if it is a crime to trust your inner voices than I will gladly take the punishment

I carefully composed a classy yet a friendship seeking mail and have them sent to 2 men. Of course these men must be of AA and a practicing Muslims (reasons will be discussed later). With my whatsapp number attached; t first these seems like a pure cruise to me as I was enjoying every bit of the newly friendship attention; E TOO DEY SHARK

Interestingly we both speedily exceeded the talking stage and in couples of hours we are at friendship/ confession stage. How time flies

See maturity in the air, openness and honesty, intentions and to mention few. We were both hands down committed.

Knowing Mr. handsome with over an hour video call duration seems like the saying HAVE FOUND MY SOUL MATE

Another attachment and fondness is bound to happen.

I intentionally ignored every bit of my inner most cautious words and forge ahead emotionally. In less than 3 weeks likeness, confession and crushes are getting more and more obvious.

He said; it seems like our @FAV_LAWYER is in love. My eyes were getting super dilated and my facial nervous reactions were twitching to affirmation so there is no point in denying the obvious

In law; they say silence does not constitute an answer however in love silences can be seen as an implied YES especially with those guilty obvious looks of emotions. Just like that his charming smile became more contagious as he couldn’t hide the excitement.

Days went by and things were still rosy and addictive between us as these minute he is a loving and protective and the next minutes the African hard guy saga is activated. A ROLLER COASTER IOF MOODSWINGS

For 3 weeks I was on the fence of emotion gradually liking Mr. handsome. Not to forget I was also job-hunting so he helped with application of jobs.

I reluctantly apply to one of his numerous links for job application. The following weeks I was getting confused by the days so I out rightly ask him what he want from me?

Out of the blues Mr. handsome asked me to be his woman. I stared in disbelief and utter shock as I wasn’t prepared for that bombshell. I managed to utter a word and that was why the sudden emotional outburst if a confession

He said it felt like its time to man up and do the needful.

Mr. handsome do you really know what exactly you getting into? These were my questions; am very clumsy, emotional, clingy and not to mention my health condition of being a SICKLER. Mr. handsome said all this doesn’t matter to him as e knows better than anyone else.

Playing hard to get is never an option as I gladly say YES let do this!!!

Mr. handsome being the type of person he is I can hardly be the talkative around him as he always expect a quiet reserved lady and am far from that as I always have something to rant about in his DM

Subconsciously I started learning to become someone am not and ended up bottling lots of emotions in me. Gisting is considered gossiping so I can’t even initiate a friendly conversation without getting bashed of being too talkative or gossiping.

Communication being the bedrock of any affair, we started having less and less things to talk about and all this started getting boring faster than I even imagined.

The holy month came fast approaching and in a flash every Muslimah was preparing for this month. It no more news he started drifting away and at this point I confronted him and here I got the bombshell

I NEED A BREAK; PLEASE BE MY SISTER.

These sentences at that moment was the strangest of all, trying so hard to comprehend and process the whole scenario I asked what exactly is my offence? He said “submitting yourself faithfully and willingly even without meeting each other is scary as the rationale of this affair is centered on physical meeting’

Yea you guessed right it a long distanced affair; I stay in the busy area of Lagos while he stay in the quiet area of Abuja

Please note; the no courtship in Islam rules is basically to avoid immorality between opposite sex hence we far away with no physical touch and quest for the flesh pleasure I can still affirm the relationship was HALAL

Being shattered is an understatement, I was mortified. I suddenly became blank.

2 weeks into the saga I finally blurted out that I beg to take a walk as I cannot be a sister to a man I once called mine. What in the world is this RANK DEMOTION from being his woman to being his sister? Men sha they will disgrace you!!!

Stating the obvious this affair was a joke to him, maybe I wasn’t enough maybe am not worthy the position of his woman.. All these thoughts kept flying in my head.

Communication between us was abruptly stopped and Ramadan ended quickly in a flash as I suddenly developed a chronic ulcer pain.

Towards the end of the Ramadan I met MR CUTE through the same channel but I was only cut out for friendship so I was all guarded up emotionally

Friendship with Mr. cute was too good to be real as he is very observant, and willing to help grow and heal. At a point it became more of being obsessed with me.

During the Ramadan festival Mr. handsome from nowhere popped out like a forest fairy and started acting all close and flirty again. However Mr. cute has started getting so attached emotionally to me. WHAT A DILEMA

Mr. cute in his full glory and not giving up anytime soon continue effortlessly seeking for an emotional acknowledgement from me. Being a good listener he is he always encourage me to rant out my emotions, have something to say and also loves gist.. what my exact type of man.

All these doesn’t reduce my pressure on Mr. cute in bid to get him scared away and lose interest rather his obsession and attachment keep growing deeper.

One boring Thursday I got an unexpected message from a long time roommate of mine while in Nigerian law school she called to inform me that she found my name among the shortlisted candidate for training!

How can this be possible? I queried because I never took the online assessment test and others.

Alias the news was real I was lucky enough to get shortlisted… the same training application Mr. handsome put me into.

Shortlisted candidate was instructed to resume training at their headquarter Abuja

The whole travelling stuffs was impromptu and I struggled to raise the transport fee to Abuja all thanks to my godfather. I decided to travel by road; I want to explore the adventures of road distance travelling and all I can say is it not that bad and worth every bit of experience

Few hours to my take off to Abuja I informed Mr. handsome of the development and he was so eager and happy to have me visit his town, mind you our communication lately bounce back to the not so average level not too intimate and not too loose of a communication.

After the news Mr. handsome became so close and flirty then so protective that throughout my journey he was just involved massively. I thought to myself everyone deserve a second chance.

I arrived Abuja at my uncle house very late so I went to bed straightaway hence the next day is a big day for training. In a flash it already morning and I quickly dressed up for my training wearing a smartly and well ironed pant suit as a lawyer nah you know. Arriving at the venue I realized we are to dress in our kit, stating the obvious come see lawyers looking like educated prisoners wearing navy blue shorts and white tops with canvass.

You might as well think it a camp ground. The so called training was so slow and dragged and finally got concluded 8pm and here I have my uncle waiting to pick me up (my God ease all his affairs)

The next day, the day I scheduled to visit Mr. handsome atleast for courtesy and formality sake. Yorubas will say ‘you can’t pass through king abode and not pay homage’

Having done the necessary chores in the house I simply dressed for my visit to Mr. handsome .On his directive I got to his destination. Seeing a tall elegant and handsome man staring at me daughter of zion have melted

Just as his name his so handsome with his simple yet neat appearance, should I mention his body fragrance that is mesmerizing?

With a smile we exchanged pleasantries. We chitchatted for 2 minutes before we arrive at his cozy yet moderate apartment. One of my bad habits is not seeing a well laid neat bed before I know it the angel of sleep will pay me uninvited visit. Likewise Nigerian men see this as a green light to SHENANIGANS

We continued chitchatting and in no time I started feeling so sleepy as I kept on yawning continuously. Mr. handsome noticed and pulled me over ti lay on his lap while on the sofa and that was the silliest mistake ever.

Before I could say jack; he planted a deep wet intimate kisses on my lips and in a flash he carefully while still glued to my lip place me on his well laid bed. For a moment he paused stared into my eyes and smiled. I suddenly became so embarrassed and shy.

The intimate cuddling and kisses were still ongoing when I felt his hand moving towards my tight I jerked back to reality; I said, not today Mr. handsome.

He smiled and said I also am not ready to make you a woman now!!!

Imagine a 25years old virgin having this close intimacy for the first time it felt like the best thing ever and at that moment nothing else matters to me. All I wanted is being wrapped in his arms

In his arms time went by so flash and it time to get ready for home. Ladies and gentlemen in this couple of hours I have planned the wedding, build family, set the future and family rules and everything well mapped out in my head.

Yes, to me we are back on track as couples however Mr handsome wants thinking in same direction like mine when after getting home I excitedly ask him WHAT ARE WE?.

I knew the definition of different strokes fir different folks when he said we are just who we are. ‘we are nothing but pencil in the hands of the creator’

Yes that was the truth and it bitter what was I expecting? That he wife me up? I laugh in Swahili.

The day and chat couldn’t get more annoying when he said am in a rush, am too forward. The endnote of the chat was giving a sober tune filled with hurts and regrets.

4 days later I book my way back to the busy area of Lagos and throughout my journey and even after 3 days of my arrival Mr. handsome was out of reach.

With full force of emotions I charged at him sending epistle of messages on how he ignored me. Mr. handsome in his excuse said the only problem he has with me is am too EMOTIONAL everything about me is done with emotions and he can’t cope with that.

Wow so being me is now a problem/ I never knew you wanted a heartless bitch, then it was my submissiveness now it my emotions? What a perfect excuse for an indecisive man

Atleast I wasn’t being deceitful like you are; just then flow of emotions was over flowing with tears my cheeks, my hands were trembling and shaking, my voice were cracked and all I could Manage to send was

You knew I was this emotional yet you held med in your bed!

You knew this part of me existed yet you explored my body!

You knew all these and still display utmost deceit giving me false hopes

What a wicked mind of a man.

I beg to talk a walk hence I cannot be who am not just to the satisfaction of an indecisive confused human being