The truth about The Truth

I was raised a Jehovahs Witness. I thought I was special, chosen. More than this, I thought I was safe. Safe from a broken world, where I could trust no one. A world that was controlled by evil forces, hidden, but pervasive. Worse, I felt superior, like I knew something that the majority were ignorant of. I had “The Truth”.

I was “no part of the world”. Only trusting fellow Witnesses, only associating with Witnesses. Outside friendships, were dangerous, forbidden. Politics, science, philosophy, charity - all were vanity, pointless in the face of Gods coming judgement; the only information that was valid, or trusted, was that which was supplied by the organisation behind the Witnesses.

I grew up in fear. Fear of “worldly” people. Fear of an impending divine war, where God would pronounce judgement against sinful mankind, with the majority being annihilated at Armageddon. Fear or being watched, not just by God, but by my fellow Witnesses, my so-called friends, whose duty it was to inform on me if I stepped out of line. If I just did everything right, walked the line, didn’t let God or my family down, I could be safe.

I also lived in blissful ignorance. I grew up believing I would see my dead family again. I was taught that if I lived by the rules of the Witnesses. I would never have to face real problems, because God would solve every problem eventually, in the coming paradise that would shortly envelop the Earth after his war of annihilation. I just swept anything difficult under the carpet, and waited. I never faced grief, never dealt with disappointment, never learned to overcome problems.

Higher education was discouraged. At my baptism, I renounced my right to self determination, promising to give my life to God. In reality, this meant doing the bidding of the organisation, and all my priorities, my time, my energy, was given over to it. I had just turned 14.

I had doubts, concerns soon after. I followed a path that put me at odds with the organisation, and paid for it in the most severe way possible. I was shunned, all my former Witness friends, and family, disowned me, not even greeting me in the street. As I had no other friends, because that had been forbidden, I found myself entirely alone, at 15.

With no means of self reliance, no self confidence, no choice, I returned to the Witnesses, where I stayed for another 30 years, trapped in a toxic marriage from the age of 18.

Until again, I found myself on a path at odds with the organisation. I chose survival. I chose truth, not lies. Freedom, not control.

The consequence? I am again, shunned. Starting life over, in my middle age. My friends, family, acquaintances, now lost to me. Uncertainty at every turn, making decisions for myself for the first time, learning what I believe, slowly. Forming my own opinions, for the first time. It is incredibly difficult to prioritise myself, when all I have ever done is put the needs of the Witness organisation above my own. I struggle to decide what I want, or need. I shy away from confrontation, incapable of standing up for myself.

My hope is that I can adjust, learn balance, find peace. Protect my children from this cult. Reach out to others still trapped, and so, help myself too.

The truth, that I was controlled, deceived, manipulated, is hard to accept. There are times when I wish I didn’t know, wish I could still be swept up as a Witness, continue living in the belief that I was special.

The trouble is, once I knew the truth about “The Truth”, there was no going back.

So, here I am. Now it’s just me, finding my own way. But, at least my mistakes, my successes, my fears, my joy, will be real, and I will own it all.