The Triple Threat

The sun rose over the pastures, casting a warm glow over the fields and chicken coop. I stood in the kitchen, sipping coffee, mind racing with a million tasks to complete and frantically trying to understand how I will gain the time to do it all. The list never ends, always growing with nothing being accomplished - or so it feels. I am a mom/wife, a full-time worker, and a farmer – a triple threat that leaves me burnt out and completely exhausted.

Lately, everything feels like a struggle. Simple tasks became monumental challenges. I forget to make appointments, misplace important papers, and struggle to focus on conversations. My husband and kids don’t seem to worry about me, but I just feel like I am always failing. It doesn’t help that it always feels as though my asks for tasks to be done fall upon deaf ears and I have simply regained the mindset of “If I don’t do it, no one will”.

Grief lingers in the shadows every single day, a constant companion since my father’s sudden and unexpected passing. The pain still feels way too raw, and I still don’t know how to process it all. I feel lost, like I’ve disappeared into nothing but roles and responsibilities. No time to just pause and process, only time to go numb and have flashbacks. I know I need to live, but it’s like I just don’t know how to anymore.

One day, while collecting eggs from the chicken coop, I saw Peanut, one of our rabbits, hopping freely in the rabbit colony I have recently taken on in a desperate attempt to feel as though I’m truly needed around home. I envied that carefree spirit she and the others in the burrow had. Why couldn't I be like that – unencumbered, joyful, without a care in the world?

I solely yearn to break free from the overwhelm, to rediscover myself beyond mom, wife, worker, and farmer. She longed for moments of peace, creativity, and connection with her own desires.

As I look out at the farm, I wonder: What would happen if I slowed down? If I prioritized my own needs above others? Would I find myself again? Or would I just cause more strain on everyone else..?

The questions swirled, but for now, I just take a deep breath, gather my strength, and start another chaotic day tomorrow. Yet, deep down, a spark remains, hoping to ignite a path toward healing, self-discovery, and freedom. Hoping to help guide me down the path of finding myself again, and feeling as though I matter to them as much as they matter to me.

This is the reality I have to face as a mom/wife, a full-time worker, and a farmer – a triple threat that leaves me burnt out and feeling numb.. I yearn for a time when I may feel as though I can become another version of me again. I yearn to find a way to prioritize me, to make my own dreams come true instead of always pushing for everyone else’s instead while I keep threading water.

What do I dream of? A lot of things.. but I mainly dream for joy to return into my heart and my life.. to be able to quit my job and return to being a full time mom and homesteader.. to be able to feel human again and not just like I am in existence.

I dream of feeling love. I dream of feeling peace. I dream of feeling fulfillment in every day. I dream of becoming exactly who I deserve to be. And one day, I will be.