We Just Need A Break..

Parenthood is supposed to be an exciting and joyous time for those starting this next chapter in their lives. For most it is. But for some, they aren't so lucky and while they think their lives are about to become fuller and filled with joy and good memories, a dark cloud is looming. They may not know it to start with, but within the first few years, it will be come more and more apparent and too difficult to ignore and pass off as 'just a phase'.

As their child grows older, they notice more and more things that make them question to neurological stability of their child. More trying behaviors, delays in expressive speech, things that no parenting method can "teach" away. Eventually, they have to bring it to their pediatrician or their family doctor and start asking questions, where they begin assessment and testing processes to get to the bottom of it to figure out how to help their family, but more importantly help their child grow and develop at even a remotely 'normal' rate. You get a diagnoses and think this is the start of a whole new world of resources, help, guidance, support, and feeling human again... but it's not.

The older the child gets, the harder handling their behaviours get. You've tried medication, you've tried therapy, you've tried respite, you've tried extra curriculars, you've tried human conversations and trying to explain the wrongs of their behaviours and how to fix it... but it never changes. It works for maybe an hour, and then it's right back to the same old aggressive, unpredictable, hyperactive, almost narcassistic tendancies from the person you created. There is no escaping it, and lately, it's like there is nothing you can do to ever 'fix' it. They will just continue to get worse and nothing will stop them from destroying your home, your relationships, your finances, and everything else they can.

The parents will indirectly ask for help, explaining to their friends and family how hard it is to handle, but all they get in return is "I don't know how you handle it". In their minds they're screaming and crying that they aren't handling it, they're actually 1-2 more big issues from a full on breakdown and they can feel the stress and exhaustion slowly killing them. Their memory is almost gone, their ability to function is at an all time low, they're constantly glued to the couch or their bed with nothing that will help them get up and be productive, they want to fall asleep at any given moment due to the exhaustion, they're tired of being told "We can't help you" but doctors, therapists, specialists, schools, etc. They'll directly beg for help and all they'll get is everyone's "sympathy" while they're declining to be a support system.. and then those same people will wonder why they never get to see the parents or children.

No one but those who live it every single day will understand the mind and body numbing exhaustion that is referenced here. The constant defeat, but the inability to quit because if you don't do it no one will. The constant fear that you are not doing enough because you have no help and support. The constant fights with all professionals, friends, and family just trying to get some sort of help for your family and your child. The constant feeling of isolation and exclusion from all things you enjoy because you fear how your difficult child may act, and in turn how much they may ruin the experience for everyone surrounding you.

Most of us end up half way through our children's childhood dreaming of what life would have been like if we didn't have them due to their extreme troubles. We yearn to feel the daily joy and excitement of spending quality time with our babies, but we can't because any minor thing like someone walking the wrong direction could set them off and the entire day is ruined. We often wonder what life would be like if the child were 'normal' and able to be happy and personable and calm.. We wonder if our friends and families would be more inclined to help us with childcare for self-care days if our child were 'normal'.. We wonder if they would have more friends at school if they were 'normal'.. We wonder if life would just be different. For everyone. But especially for our child and our families.

If you are the friend, family member, partner, colleague, etc of anyone who you know has special needs children that challenge every fibre of their being... reach out. Offer help. Offer anything. Surprise them with a coffee and a meal. Anything... Just be there. Show them they are still loved and valued and that you want them to be happy. Tell them how much you appreciate them, and how much they mean to you. Make them feel like they are a human being again... make them feel like something. You have no idea just how badly they may need it, and just how much they are questioning their own selves and where they stand with the people around them due to the difficulties that their own children have caused..