The Surprising Reasons We Become What We Hate

For so many years, I kept telling myself, that I didn’t want to become like my biological mother. I had a list of things I didn’t want to do, behaviours I didn’t want to emulate, and values I wouldn’t accept. Despite my determination, I found myself falling into patterns that contradicted my own values. It felt strange, even disheartening, but I eventually realised that this phenomenon is not unique to me. It is a psychological reality of how the mind functions, and understanding it can lead to profound self-awareness.

Let me provide a simple example to show this. Imagine you’re sitting in a chair. Close your eyes and tell yourself, “I’m not sitting on the bed.” While this statement is technically correct, your mind probably conjured up an image of you sitting on a bed. Why? Because the brain struggles to process the concepts of “not” and “no” separately. It primarily uses imagery, and because there is no visual representation of negation, it focuses on the object of the thought — in this case, the bed. This principle is at the heart of why we sometimes become the things we actively dislike.

This concept is beautifully explored in Dr. Joseph Murphy’s classic book, The Power of Your Subconscious Mind. The subconscious makes no distinction between positive and negative commands; it simply absorbs whatever we repeatedly focus on. If you constantly think about what you don’t want to be, your subconscious won’t recognise the “don’t.” Instead, it creates mental pathways that are aligned with that thought. For example, if you keep thinking, I don’t want to be short-tempered like my father, your subconscious hears, short-tempered like my father, and stores that image. The more energy you invest in a thought, the more likely you are to reinforce and replicate that behaviour.

This is why it’s critical to shift our focus. Instead of worrying about what we don’t want, we should concentrate on what we do want. For instance, rather than saying, I don’t want to be impatient, replace it with, I strive to be patient and understanding. By doing so, you provide your subconscious with a positive blueprint to follow, directing your actions and decisions towards the desired outcome.

Another factor contributing to this paradox is the emotional intensity associated with our dislikes. When we strongly dislike something, we unconsciously give it a prominent place in our thoughts and emotions. It’s similar to watering a plant you want to remove from your garden. The more attention you give it, even if it is negative, the more it grows. Over time, these deeply ingrained beliefs shape our behaviour.

Let us not overlook the role of mirror neurons in our brains — the fascinating cells that allow us to empathise and imitate others. When we are exposed to certain behaviours repeatedly, particularly during our formative years, they become ingrained in our neural wiring. Even if we consciously reject those behaviours, they frequently resurface during times of stress or unawareness. This is why the characteristics we strive to avoid can sometimes feel unavoidable.

So, how do we break free from this cycle? Here are a few strategies that have worked for me:

• Focus on the Positive: Change your inner dialogue to emphasise who you want to be. If you find yourself thinking negatively, pause and deliberately shift your focus to a positive affirmation.

• Visualize Your Ideal Self: Visualization is a powerful tool. Spend a few minutes each day picturing yourself embodying the traits you admire. For example, if you want to be more compassionate, visualize scenarios where you respond with kindness and empathy.

• Practice Self-Awareness: When you notice yourself falling into bad habits, pause and reflect. What prompted the behaviour? How will you respond differently next time? Self-awareness is the first step towards change.

• Be Kind to Yourself: Recognise that change is a journey, not a destination. It is acceptable to make mistakes from time to time. Treat yourself with patience and grace.

• Seek Professional Help: If certain patterns feel deeply ingrained and difficult to change, consult with a therapist or counsellor. They can assist you in identifying the underlying causes of these behaviours and guiding you towards recovery.

Finally, our thoughts shape our reality. We can change the course of our lives by shifting our focus from what we fear to what we want. The surprising truth is that we frequently become what we despise because we give it so much of our energy. However, the same principle applies in reverse: by consciously directing our energy towards the person we want to be, we can shape a future that reflects our deepest desires.

So, the next time you find yourself dwelling on what you don’t want, remember this: your mind is a powerful ally that, with the right focus, can lead you to become what you love rather than what you hate.