Love

Love, everyone is talking about this. And everyone wants to be loved but what makes you loved by somebody? Is it your beauty, intelligence or personality? What is it? I don't understand.

May be I am too dumb to be loved by somebody, not too loud, weak enough who couldn't take stand for herself and can't express myself in crowd. Does that make me real? Am I trying to seek attention or validation? Naah, I'm trying to find one person who is completely obsessed with me.

I don't know if I will ever be able to get that. When I see people find their true love and being so comfortable with their partner, I feel like how do you know that he is the one. I think I have been single for so long that I can't even talk properly.

So, I wanted to tell you that I fear relationships. It's not like I don't want it, sometimes I badly want to talk to someone and be with him but I just can't lean forward. Something from deep inside me stops me and never let me cross my limits.

I feel like what if the other person is not serious about me. What if he is just being nice in front of me but when ever I leave, he starts talking bad about me, complaining and talking shits that didn't even happen. What if he is using me just for fun and don't want to commit to me and have future with me? What if even though we loved each other but we end up on bad terms? What if it is difficult be myself when he is around and he doesn't love me the way I am instead want to change me?

But, then I thought how would I know if I don't even try? How would I know who truly loves me and who doesn't? For that, I have to give them a chance.

The question now comes is what am I looking for in a man? So, it's not much that I am looking for, I just want someone who is completely obsessed with me and with whom I can share my fears, pain, sorrow, happiness and my whole life. I just don't want relationship for time pass.

I am willing to wait for the man of my life. He might arrive late but he should stay forever. I want to keep him close to my heart.

I don't want someone, who can only offer is money. Let's talk about what he brings to the table? Is it money, that we are looking for ? I guess no, in my whole life I have seen my parents staying away from us just to make money, working day and night for us, I wouldn't want that. I don't want money to come between us.

But, what else if not money, kindness and honesty is what I would like to have? I am talking like I am at the market buying vegetables, at least I am talking about the shits that I should be avoiding.

So, my whole damn life I have been alone. That's the reason, I want someone who doesn't go after money and stays with me. But, you might ask If you don't have money, how are you going to survive in this cruel world? And, my answer to you is we will earn together. I don't want him to do things that I can do by myself. I want him to be there for me, cherish me, motivate and encourage me to be the best version of myself. And, of course I want him to love me.

The thing is I am the toxic one, I don't know why am I mentioning this but yeah I get jealous when he talks with other girls or even sit with other girls. I want him only for myself. He should be kind and loving only with me, for others he should be strict and dominating. His eyes should soften only for me.

Anyways, That's it for today.