The Struggle with People and Alcohol

“Who let you in here?”

“No one stopped me.”

“I guess they don’t check IDs this early in the day.”

“Guess not.”

“Do you think this makes you look cool?”

“That’s not why I do it.”

“It’s not?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

“It makes me feel warm inside.”

“It’s warm outside.”

“It’s not a temperature thing.”

“What is it?”

“It’s hard to explain.”

“Try me, kid.”

“It’s warm, like a bond or a friendship.”

“Is this what love is supposed to feel like?”

“I don’t think I know, to be honest. I don’t think I’ve ever felt it.”

“So how do you know if this is just as good?”

“I never said it was. I doubt it is. It’s just the closest I’ve felt to what I imagine it’s supposed to feel like. At least it doesn’t hurt.”

“Not yet, but it will. This type of friendship won’t do you any favors.”

“No one in my life does anything for me.”

“I know what that’s like.”

“I imagine that you do.”

“This road isn’t going to take you where you want to go.”

“I have no idea where I want to go.”

“This stuff will make sure you never do.”

“It’s just to ease things while I figure it out.”

“Trust me, kid. You won’t figure it out like this.”

“But you are still here?”

“That’s how I know where it gets you. Nowhere.”

“Like I said, it’s the only thing in my life that doesn’t hurt right now.”

“Give it time. It will.”

“It hasn’t yet.”

“Aren’t you afraid of getting in trouble?”

“I feel like I’m always in trouble anyway. This trouble seems manageable. It makes me feel like I have control of something in my life. Something that’s mine.”

“I know the feeling well. You’ll get away with it for a while, but eventually no one will tolerate you for it anymore.”

“People seem to find me generally intolerable as it is. At least this way it’s for a reason of my choosing.”

“That’s less about you and more about them. They don’t hate you. They hate themselves.”

“They act like they hate me.”

“They’re probably just jealous. You’re a pretty smart kid.”

“Why is that such a burden for them when I’m the one who has to bear it?”

“People don’t like feeling dumb.”

“Maybe they should stop acting dumb.”

“Maybe we aren’t as smart as we think. A person with a healthier perspective would probably say we’re the ones being dumb, sitting here drinking away the problems.”

“I feel like without other people, I have no problems. They’re my biggest problem, but they act like I’m the problem.”

“People are weird and impossible to define with just logic. And they don’t take kindly to it when you point out their idiosyncrasies and hypocrisy.”

“I would want to know if I was being a hypocrite.”

“Trust me when I say you wouldn’t like it either.”

“What do you mean?”

“We like to think we’re completely logical all the time, but in reality, we’re really good at excusing our own bad behavior with logic. You’ll be able to debate with the best of them, and you’ll think you’re winning, but most people don’t need facts to do what they want to do anyway. And they don’t want you pointing out all the flaws in their logic.”

“So then why do they defend themselves until they don’t? Doesn’t that mean I win?”

“No. It means they’ve stopped trying to convince you, and they no longer need your approval. They’ll do what they want no matter how many logical arguments you make.”

“That sounds crazy to me.”

“We’re all crazy. It’s just different kinds of crazy.”

“Is that why people pull away and stop being bothered by me?”

“It’s nice not being bothered. Eventually, you’ll embrace it.”

“Does anyone bother you?”

“There’s no one left to bother me. They’ve all gone away.”

“Is that lonely for you?”

“I don’t think too much about it. It’s quiet, at least. Peaceful.”

“So that’s good, then, right?”

“It depends.”

“It depends? Depends on what?”

“What you want in life.”

“What should I want in life?”

“No one can tell you that. You have to grow up and figure it out on your own.”

“Am I supposed to find someone I respect and just imitate them?”

“You could, and I’m sure you’d learn lessons about yourself. But I’ve never been satisfied just acting like someone else. It doesn’t feel earned.”

“So am I supposed to want what others have? How do I know if I do? How do I get it? How do I live a life that’s true to me without constantly being hurt?”

“Those are all excellent questions. Most people don’t ask questions like that, but I think that’s what they want too. I told you that you’re smart.”

“A lot of good that’s done me.”

“Yeah. Same. It’s hard to stay hopeful and positive when the questions stack up but the answers aren’t forthcoming. They say it’s best to stay positive and curious and keep searching.”

“Doesn’t that get exhausting?”

“Really exhausting. And very uncomfortable.”

“Is that why you still drink?”

“It takes some of the sting out of it, but only temporarily. Then it eventually bites you just as hard, if not harder.”

“Is there something else I should be doing to quiet the pain?”

“If I knew the answer to that, I’d be right there beside you.”

“But you are beside me.”

“Yeah, but you can do better than I am.”

“But you are me.”

“I think I’m too old to change. I’ve been doing this too long.”

“When do you think we’ll be old enough to change?”

“I don’t know, kid. Let me get your next one.”