The Storm

Dear Mother,

I was given the task of writing a letter and to confess something to you that I have never confessed before. I thought long and hard before beginning this letter, in fact I almost opted out of this challenge. I read the entries from the previous years with envy and admiration. Then last night I dreamt that I was caught in a storm. I while I cannot remember the dream vividly, I do remember that I locked all my doors prior to going to bed. After I got into bed there was a knock on my front door. I ignored the knock by pretending to be fast asleep. A few minutes later there was a loud roaring boom outside, and a thunderstorm had erupted. I cried out for my you. Minutes later dad appeared and attempted to guide me from my house to yours. We both had taken this route numerous times in the past yet this time we found ourselves lost.

It was as if we were struggling against both the storm and each other. I tried to direct him, and he tried to assure me in vain that we on the right path. During our journey we were as lost and confused as the children of Israel in the book of Exodus. Your home, AKA my childhood home was located right down the street from my apartment therefore this journey should have lasted minutes, yet it went on for hours. Somehow, someway during our excursion he and I were separated. How this separation came to be is a mystery to me because I recall him tightly gripping my hand during our entire journey. I panicked, not because we failed to reach our destination but because once again, I was alone in the storm. I cried out and searched for him in vain. Despite hearing his voice guiding me back to him I never saw him again in my dream.

In the process of trying to locate both dad and shelter from the storm I ran into a few of my close friends. I called out to them and together we embarked on a voyage to find shelter. The first place we came upon was a local business. The owner said they were closed due to the pandemic and turned us away. The next place we attempted to find refuge was in a local restaurant. As we were digging and clawing our way into our newly found haven, we failed to take notice that its foundation was weak. Our new shelter only took minutes before it too proved to be adequate. The wind rustled, the building shook, the sky erupted, and I did not make it.

I died in my dream last night. When terrible things happen, we are so quick to place blame on others, was my death a result of my father’s inability to lead me home? No, because although he was unable to guide me home, he did lay a solid foundation for me to follow. He also provided guidance, patience and when all else failed he held my hand. In my dream dad risked his own safety to lead me out of the storm and while doing so he had to wrestle with nature, battle against me wanting to take my own route, deal with my lack of faith in his judgment and the overall childhood rebellion that occurs when your child is no longer a child.

Me being an opinionated young adult is what separated me from him. In my dream as young adults do once, I was unable to turn to you two for help I turned to my friends. Just as good friends often are they were ready and waiting. They appeared out of nowhere when I needed them the most, dropping everything to assist me. My friends helped me the best way they knew how. They offered me the comfort and support that I longed for in my time of need.

My death was a result of the storm, but it was caused my failure to call upon the one and only person that could help me which was God. My dream only lasted mere minutes, but it covered a span of hours. I wasted countless hours crying out to dad, seeking out the help of my friends and trying to rely on my own knowledge rather than looking to God and allowing him to guide me out of the storm. As a result, I lost my life. Which leads me to my confession. Last night I battled a storm and lost. Each day we will battle a storm. This storm may come in the form of conflict, illness, financial stress, or relationship issues. We are quick to run to our family and friends for help and guidance. We turn to the internet and research what the media has to say about our various issues. These things are done in vain because God carries our burdens. Every problem can be solved with God's help.

I died in my dream last night, 14 years to the day that you took your own life. My dream was a lesson, a lesson in which I had to lose my life in a dream to save it in reality. My confession is that I wish I could have been more open with you concerning my faith. I wish I could have shared the peace and tranquility that I get from God in hopes that my tranquility would have flowed over you. I wish I could have read you stories that would have instilled hope and resilience. Most importantly I wish you could have known about God’s unconditional love. I am ashamed that I was not there to help you battle your storm and for that I must confess that I am terribly sorry. I hope you are at peace.