The Secret I’ll Never Tell: How I Destroyed a Happy Marriage

Around the time I out of high school, I had a very good friend who I hoped to one day became my girlfriend. Long story short, it never panned out — I was too shy and unsure of myself. On the day I planned to try to move things forward, she started showing a great deal of interest in some guy we met, and I lost my courage. This was devastating to me, and I lost the last shred of self-confidence. Soon after we lost contact after I moved to another city.

Later I have been always seeing this as a pivoting moment in my life, the last and biggest of the adolescent relationships disappointments. The moment when I started believing I’m unworthy of someone good, that I will never meet anyone nice. The mythical day, the end of hope for ever being happy. The death of self-esteem that pushed me into a relationship with someone who I didn’t really care about, and then a loveless marriage — only because I was so convinced I don’t deserve happiness and that I should be content to find anyone who would want me.

Stupid and selfish, now I know.

Many years later, out of the failed marriage, I met her again. The old friendship rekindled. I met her husband and their four kids. We were meeting often, over drinks or board games, or going out for day trips. I became a friend of the family. We were watching movies together. I taught her to drive and helped to pass driving tests. We had fun and it was great. I know they were happy. I felt great in their company.

Then one night when her husband was away for a business trip, the unimaginable happened. We met, had a few drinks, and then we got too close. My old, adolescent love blinded me to the reality of today — I only remembered the desire to be with her, the disappointment of this not happening… but it was happening now. We started kissing. We realized it was wrong. I went home. Next day we met again to discuss what happened. We tried to be strong and still we failed — and so we become lovers.

The worst part?

I was still meeting with them both like nothing has ever happened. I still considered the guy to be my friend… heck I loved him like a brother.

She wished for a way for all of us to be together. She loved both him and me. If any of us heard of poly relationships before — maybe it would be possible at that point?

Instead she talked him into a threesome. It was fun and hasn’t changed anything. I think it was all salvageable at this moment, or maybe not, not with this deceit and betrayal in the background.

Then we two became reckless. We started showing signs of affection when he could see them. It was inevitable after this intimate moment shared by all three of us… but also it was cruel. He started to be suspicious. And this led to him finding evidence of our affair.

They had a big fight. He met with me a few times trying to figure out what has happened. I tried to take all blame on myself. Nothing helped. They both asked me to disappear from their life. She was crying, because she loved me — but she had to choose. It didn’t help.

Today all I know is they are divorced and I was the reason. Almost 10 years have passed, but this is still my biggest regret, the worst, most cruel, most selfish, most stupid thing I’ve ever done. I have made a lot of effort to fix my life, to rearrange priorities, to live more for others, less for myself. I’m now in a happy relationship and everything seems to be going well with my life.

But deep down I know what I did. What damage I caused — for them and for their kids. I will probably never forgive myself. I just hope they have found their happiness, but I’m too afraid to reach out and ask.