The Passing of the Torch

Trigger warning: This article is about coping with loss and grief.

According to the Office of National Statistics, there were 9,459 deaths per day during June 2021. This was a spike due to the ongoing pandemic as apparently, the average number of daily death’s in the UK is normally around 1000. Each number represents a real person, each with their own unique stories of a life once lived.

The simple fact is that someone you love today could be gone tomorrow. Life can change in the blink of an eye. Nothing prepares you for the pain of losing a loved one. It’s a real physical pain that hurts so bad. We all experience grief differently some people retreat and some become more active and engaging with society. Until you face grief it’s impossible to know how you will react.

My Grandmother was a wise woman of Romani~Gypsy heritage before she died she forewarned me that it was almost time ‘to pass her torch on’. “One day,” she said, “that ancestral torch will pass to you, to pass on to your children and your children’s children.” She believed every time the torch is passed it shines a little bit brighter. She didn’t know it then or maybe she did but those wise words would stay with me for a lifetime. They would act as my guiding principles to help me cope with my own grief.

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The passing of the torch

I pulled the blanket around myself, it looked like a beautiful day outside but I felt cold and sad. I had woken early for a Saturday. Something just didn’t feel right, like I had lost something. It was a strange, disconnected, uncomfortable, and empty feeling. Then the phone rang, but it was too early for a social call. In my heart, I knew something was wrong — very wrong.

When an unknown voice introduces themselves as your parent’s neighbour you know it’s bad. I remember saying who have I lost, Dad or Mum? Although I just knew it was Mum. As odd as this may sound I couldn’t ‘feel’ her anymore. it was as if the connection between us had been severed. He replied, “I am so sorry, it’s your Mum she has passed away”. It was sudden, so sudden. No warning. I had only spoken to her the day before and we laughed and joked, but something felt off then. She simply fell asleep and never woke up. She was just 73 years old.

My husband was close by, he heard the conversation and just froze, it was as if time had stood still. I went numb, followed by the insatiable urge to get to my Father as fast as possible. The tears of the family came before my own. Once I got to my Dad there were no words, just a hug. A hug that I struggled to let go from. I knew at that moment I had to step up. I had to accept the torch. Just like my Grandmother had instructed me to do over 30 years ago. The thought of the torch gave me great comfort and strength.

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A light in the darkness

Now I hold the torch. I hold it in my heart and I carry it not just for my mother, but all those whom I have lost and the ancestors who came before. I am here because of them. My Grandmother was right — the torch does burn a little brighter. I hold it with pride and it’s fuelled by all the wonderful memories that have been left behind. I hold this light over the family still living too. It’s an eternal everlasting light of love.

One day I will pass this torch on to my daughter. It will hopefully help to light the shadows for her. Losing a loved one is hard and nothing really prepares you for it, but when the time is right, be ready to accept the torch. The torch will warm the hole in your heart that is left behind. The torch represents all that once was and all that will be.

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Coping with grief

Don't suffer alone speak to a mental health professional and get some support. You may feel you want to talk about it, but sometimes the words will not come out. That's okay. Be patient with yourself.