The Not-So-Secret Behind The Secret

The funniest part to me about The Secret by Rhonda Brynes is that it takes the same concept being taught by every other Law of Attraction book and frames it as a “secret” to make you think you’re getting in on something “forbidden” or “exclusive” when in reality you’re being let in on the story from someone who had a better publicist. It’s not that I’m opposed to the Law of Attraction. The story I’m about to tell shows quite the opposite, actually. It’s the methods that all the books teach that are the problem.

I wanted out of the whole I dug for myself so badly. I went through a terrible break-up that I didn’t know how to deal with, so I repressed a lot of hurt and confusion and forced myself to move on because “moving on and letting go is what healthy people do.” Naturally, as a human, I want as much out of life as possible, too. The love, the money, the career, you name it, because we’re probably not that different in those ways. Naturally, I stumbled onto the Law of Attraction one day and thought my problems could finally be solved. Not-so-surprising twist ending… they weren’t. In fact, it may have caused more than it solved.

“Your thoughts create your reality, so think only happy thoughts, boys and girls!” It’s true to a certain extent. You shouldn’t fixate on the negative things because nothing gets solved by ruminating too deeply on something you don’t like that’s out of your control. But then, on the other side of the fence, opposite to where “your happy garden grows,” are the weeds from the things you’re not properly dealing with. I learned the hard way that ignoring something and pretending it doesn’t exist does not open the door for the universe to solve all your problems by directing all your effort toward pretending those problems don’t exist.

Even if that was “the right way” to do things, which maybe it is for some people, but it’s definitely not the “only” right way, as it’s so often marketed, putting so much importance on that muddies the entire idea. For me, it made me constantly police every thought. I wanted so badly to be “doing it right” that I got down on myself when those negative thoughts surfaced. Likely as a result of a high level of perfectionism that I hadn’t properly dealt with at that point, either.

I am aware that if I had gotten the hang of meditation, I could have used the same concept to avoid hardening myself every time a “bad thought” surfaced. Still, for minds like mine, meditation is a struggle that isn’t easily overcome. Meditation is not meant for everyone, and I grew very weary of trying to force myself to learn something that just didn’t feel right for me. This is why I’m not saying the methods in these books are WRONG. I believe they’re marketing themselves as “the whole truth” when they’re only half the truth.

The real problem is, the way it is marketed, it makes it sound like if you don’t do this, then “you’re doing wrong” because this is “what works,” which to me implies if you don’t do it, it WON’T work, which is how I ended up spiraling about how paradoxical the Law of Attraction seemed. The more I messed up, the harder I got on myself. I started putting even more pressure on myself because I didn’t want to admit that I was putting myself even deeper in my hole while trying to get out of it. Now, not only does it feel like the world around me is failing me, it feels like I’m failing myself. But how can you think only happy thoughts when deep down you’re not happy at all? You’re just lying to yourself.

It ties into one of their other core principles, “act like you already have it.” The strain of forcing that smile you put on when all you want are genuine social connections that can help provide emotional support when you need a little help carrying the load, and all you have is yourself, causes the entire concept to collapse on itself. Now, if they were to rephrase it in a way that doesn’t encourage you to act delusional, the concept could be effective. Through many years of persistence and hard work, I realized what they were actually trying to teach was “find ways to be happy without the thing you want, and it’ll be easier to attract what it is that you actually want.” In other words, find the happiness you would achieve by having your desire and outsource the role to a temporary substitute until the real desire has been fully manifested in your life.

It could be more personal, though. I may have misinterpreted what they said. At this point, I’m not interested in going back to read it to find out if that’s the case. Logically, I read enough books on the concepts that they must have gotten cemented in that way for a reason. Still, I’m not so arrogant as to deny any responsibility for how that may have happened. The fact that these books typically sprinkle in so many “success stories” that you become captivated by how it works because you’re being offered proof. It’s easy to forget all the stories they left out because the techniques they tried to teach failed for many others.

The last concept worth mentioning to me is one of the most maddening ones… “detaching from the outcome.” It made my head spin trying to figure out how to get what I want. How do you act like you don’t want the thing you want to manifest? Is it because I’m not being successful in lying to myself that I already have it? Does reverse psychology fuel the universe and the Law of Attraction? To me, it sounded like I was being told to wait for a bus, but I wasn’t given a time or date for when it would arrive, and the only way it would come is if I don’t watch for it.

The way my mind works interpreted the concept as something utterly absurd. Since then, through a lot of self-study and experience, I have finally understood what they meant. Find the middle ground between fixation and disinterest. That’s just not how they framed it in the books I read, though. I faced many of the same problems I did when trying to think all happy thoughts. Whenever the thoughts of the thing I desired slipped in, the shame spiral began once more. Towards the end of my journey towards understanding, I realized the main problem lies in the consequences of simplification.

I understand to an extent why they simplify these concepts. The simplification of the process makes it seem easier and more like anyone can do it if they understand how it works. It inspires the readers to go out there and “create their own destiny,” and that very inspiration fuels the desire to get out there and make it happen. That very same simplification is also making it more difficult, though. They strip the entire process down and present the skeleton in words that make it seem mystical and easy to understand, but in doing so, they erase all the moving parts that actually help the process deliver results.

In my opinion, all those books should start like this: “Chapter 1: Shadow work. Do it. Now.” Because shadow work is the hardest part of it all, but until you do, unless you’re one of the special chosen ones, you’re running from yourself and the results you want. It’s uncomfortable, though, and people are much less likely to read the entire book if you start with the unpleasant truth that it’s likely not going to be as easy as you want it to be.