The Little Spoon

The little engine

that thought she couldn’t

A letter for anyone who sees me

This is the boring and grim tale of my search for love and acceptance. I looked too closely into a telescope I couldn’t seem to find. I went in to seek an answer for why I’ve always thought I should just die. A journey to the center of my mind’s eye. A spiral of euphoric kind. This is a simplified version of why I have been scared to choose a solid path or course for my life. A story of why I would choose love and family over fame and power, at least in this timeline. I believe I have found my lost will to love my life exactly as it is. I don’t want to look better to others, I’ve chosen to be better to others. I faced some real seemingly damming monsters in there, but I had a little help from my friends. I don’t seem to know or care if I’m right or wrong or up or down. I just know that I’ve found a genuine appreciation for life that feels like an awakening of some kind. A version of a noah who decided to build a redemption instead of a literal or exclusive ark. Matching people up, delegating fate, building bunkers, searching for treasure or eternal life, capturing flags, scoring, scaring, sending and opening letters ~ seem to be jobs for only the fairest of mind. I think I have committed countless sins and couldn’t see any path of enlightenment or heavenly acceptance. I chose to dust those fears away and see that I’ve been plagued by fear. Fear of judgment. Alas, my journey of self discovery lead me to see that I’ve been a hypocrite. A judge of others when I’ve no room to judge. A priss. A katniss, A child. Ignorant. Cursing my very own gift of life. Cursing the gods, my mom and my dad and my step mom and big brothers and sisters and little brothers and sisters and friends and teachers.

Everyone has been trying so hard just to keep me alive and I’ve just had an ideation for suicide. They’ve just been holding my hand and encouraging me to try. They saw beauty in me and I felt the need to run away and chase bigger dreams. Then I met Sarah and her bond between her and her friends and family. The judgment I felt from being someone she chose over people who paid for her, but didn’t seem to treat her very kindly. It was similar to the way I felt I was treated by my family. We fell in love with all the ugliest and hardest and scariest parts of one another. We collided in a cosmic way. A connection that feels soul bonding. I fall in love with everyone and everyone and everything all the time, but when I met Sarah, she just seemed to click into my puzzle like none other. The Super to Man, The Wonder of Woman. The embodiment of strength and resilience I wished I could be. She conquered my heart somehow. Wrangled me and gave me a reason to believe in kindness against adversity. Forgiveness and belief over Fear and self-loathing. I feel like a lion tamed by a mouse, and also, somehow, the other way around. I think I might have been a genius or immortal or angel of some kind at one point in time. But I love Sarah, and Earth. And the beauty outweighs the pain, any day. I wish I could help every lost soul wake up to the fact that we don’t need money or good looks or blessings or curses, we need to stop pillaging other’s freedom and hard work to find gold that does not belong to the greedy. Even the dirtiest pirate, A Jumping Jack, A step ladder tit tatter spaghetti stirin’ paddywyhcwhacker. ~ Cheaters and Bad sports

have the capability to turn themselves around.

We judge others and separate ourselves into groups and think people need to give us something or be a part of our cult or religion or group or faction or house orphanage school farm job community eternal infernal glorified whatever the fuck we want to come up with. Just don’t shove your religion or push your beliefs on others. It’s honestly abusive. Especially I want to learn how to be more adaptable and just love everything before and even if it hurts me. Pain teaches us to appreciate beauty. Panic teaches us to worry about the feelings and the well being of others. It’s not about the wild things being tricky or devious or unattainable. It’s just us thinking we have power over others before we can even face our own demons. Why do all we humans think we’re so superior and brave, when we can’t even accept our own sins. We are too scared to even think bad thoughts because they might consume us. Just don’t act on your bad thoughts and impulses. Deny being jealous and greedy and thinking you're a king or a queen or a lost princess or dragon prince. Savior mentality is exhausting. I’ve been buried 3 feet deep. Or maybe 5. 7? The Star of David is the missing link. The evergreen hill holds the will of peace.

I’m forever grateful to everyone who helps me. I’m just a toe head. A stubbed toe. A corn head. A little girl who seems to be consumed by blue. A lost pearl in the chest of Davey~Jones’ Locker. The mirror of the snake, the thorn of the rose, the pick of the wheel. A White Shark, A black Dove. A widow of none, a ministry nun, a little witch, evil freak, circus clown. The it, the kid, The boogy and the cookie. The jabber of the jay. A scorpion rider. A horse flyer. A heard listener. A sheep within a wolf without.

A lover of art and a weaver of tales. A monster or a myth or some kind of nymph. I’d rather be a fairy but maybe I’m a pixie. Only fairy godmother and her lost kids know the difference I suppose.

I’m crazy. A robot. A mutant. A human hue jack man, incredible blue. Red rose jill. I no longer have a compass pointing home. I think I’m jumba, I just wanted a leelo for my stitch. A diamond heart to teach an ugly duckling the importance of time and family.

Sue me. I’m the boy who cries about the beautiful wolf to the man or the woman in the sun and the moon.

I love you.

I refuse to kill myself. If I leave, it was only because death missed me.

We’re old friends, you see.

Love would be nothing without the gift of knowledge and the power of acceptance.

Don’t give up. Don’t settle for ashes. Be the phoenix that rises from your parent’s dust. Make your ancestors proud. Appreciate your roots. Love the beauty of the trees.