The letter

Katherine,

I am currently writing to you because I can't seem to get this off of my mind. I wish you could understand the immense pain that you have caused me over the last 17 years. I wish you could feel the hurt that I have felt. The giant hole in my heart that was created by the lack of having my mother. I pushed myself to be the best person I could be and I fell down a lot of times. But you know what. I picked myself back up. I pushed myself over and over and over again, to become the person that deserved better. You and I have a lot in common, and this bothers me so much. I don't ever want to be like you. And that is such a shitty thing to think. Isn't it our job as children to see you parents as our mentors. Isn't it our job as your children to want to be like you. Oh wait, isn't it the parents jobs to be good enough role models that your children should be like you. I guess that's where I become the fool because you were never really there to be a role model. I have never been so angry at myself for pushing a relationship, wishing nothing but success and happiness from it. I have never felt such disgust in myself because I let a stranger so easily in my life. Because let's be honest, you're a stranger. I don't understand why I ever thought it was a great idea to reach out to you if it took you 14 years to even realize that I am still your daughter. That I still want a relationship with the person who left. You know I fought so hard just to learn that you are the same person 14 years ago. I can't believe that I ever let you into my heart. Just for you to break it like everybody else. I am going to be a better mother.

I wish I could understand why I felt the need to continuously believe everything that you have ever said to me, when I have realized that most of the things you have said to me are lies. I just want to understand what I did to deserve to be called the things that you have called me. I don't understand how someone is supposed to tell someone that they love them after screaming at them telling them how they are obviously not good enough. I wish you could understand what I feel, but you won't. You're not me. Did you know that I have spent the last 17 years trying to figure out what was wrong with me because you didn't show up. And you know what. I've realized what is wrong with me, absolutely nothing. I am a good person. I deserve everything positive in my life. I deserve to be happy. And so do you. So does everybody in life. I hope that you find true happiness and everything that you deserve will come to you. But know that it will not involve me. I'm starting to recognize that I don't need your support and your recognition to succeed in my own life. While I do not regret meeting you and spending 6 months with you, I regret letting you berate me. Just because you are not happy with the choices you have made in life doesn't mean you have to take it out on your child. The thing I'm learning the hardest is even though we believe that it's okay to get mad at family because they are supposed to be your rock, they will not continuously sit there and let you bash on them. I am not going to sit here and wallow, nor am I going to brush those 6 months off like nothing happened. You have treated me in ways that I couldn't ever imagine treating anybody else.

I have said a lot of negative things in this letter but it does not mean that I didn't mean them. I have allowed myself to express fully how I feel. But I will not stoop to your level and bully you. I'm just so disappointed. I feel like I set my expectations so high for you. And that is on me. I can take full responsibility for that. That is something that I am so grateful to have gotten from my dad. I know how to take responsibility for my actions. Another thing he taught me is that after a certain amount of time, people cannot change. And you, Katherine, you have gone way past the time limit to change. I feel so empty writing this letter to you because I can't help but feel like I am finally releasing all of my anger and pain after years of confusion.