The Goodbye that Saved me

I thought losing him would break me, but it was the beginning of finding myself !

I couldn't imagine a life without him....yes I was that crazily in love.

My sleep schedule was irregular. Sometimes I slept a lot and the other times I slept for 3 hours a night. On top of that, I ate a lot of junk food and never exercised. I stayed at home all the time. I always expected that Zen would make me happy constantly which was not possible. A person cannot make the other person happy if he himself was suffering. I knew this concept at that time but didn’t actually apply it or took it seriously. I was too needy. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn’t have sustained. He was so strong to put up with me. His love was so powerful to keep me happy for a long time. I kept asking more and more every day and kept getting insecure when he would enjoy with his friends. I knew that he had a life and he had full liberty to enjoy it but I felt so insecure and couldn’t give him freedom in the fear of losing him.

Sometimes you have to lose people to learn lessons and if the lessons are complete, the universe might give them back to you. Like I got Alpha back.

I knew that in a relationship you have to be good friends first and not romanticize literally everything, but couldn’t act on it.

I understood that if I think too negative and then expect him to pamper me to make me feel secure that will only result in my down fall and mentally pressurize the other person.

I am the reason for my own happiness. If I don’t want to be happy no one can ever make me happy.

Now I understand why after spending a great day with Zen I felt sad and felt like complaining. I thought about every little thing and kept complaining about even the smallest of things that did not even exist in reality but in my head.

I lost him eventually because of my behaviour. I regret it a lot but there is no point at it. He endured everything and did his best to stay. Someday he might have thought about breaking up with me and he was definitely moving on from me in silence because it was not possible for someone who loved me so much to just wake up one day and break off ties. It might have taken him few months to actually execute the break up. I was devastated by the way he started behaving. The break up happened slowly but everyday felt like a needle piercing my heart. With each passing day I saw one of the efforts vanishing until one day he ignored my text on Telegram and shifted our talk to 'Whatsapp'. I recognised the pattern, exactly this same thing happened with me when Alpha and I broke up. Zen started ignoring me and got disconnected while I begged him often to stay. I assured him that I had changed myself but he did not want to look back even for a second. I still remember, after school how badly I was crying and begging him to stay but all he did was say that he could not continue anymore and laugh at me.

My tears were a joke to him !

Pleading would not affect him, so I stopped. I waited for him to come back. I gave him space but it seemed like he wanted it permanently. I missed him so much until I saw him living his best life. I asked him if he loved me or not. He said that he did not. Did he ever love me or was it some kind of obligation or obsession he had towards me ?

It is not possible to stop loving someone who you once loved with your whole heart, you just learn to live with those feelings buried deep inside you.

Guess, he never loved me then. I don't know. He started to get involved with his other former girlfriend and other random girls. He started to get close, like holding them by their waists and shoulders in front of my eyes. I was burning with rage. I deleted every single photo of his and our chats from my phone. Well, the 'chat' part, Telegram has a feature where you can delete chat from both the persons phones if one wants to. Zen deleted our Telegram chats and photos of 2 years from both of our phones. One day, I opened telegram and couldn't find our chats. I was so deeply hurt that he didn't even think twice before doing that. How could he ? Also, he told one of his closest friends to try for me. Am I an object ? Like he's done using me and now he urges his friend to go for me ! He had sex with me without feeling anything ( he said that himself ) but he was the one who started it. I felt disrespected. I tried hard but I could not forget how he broke up with me the very next day after that.

He touched my whole body on Saturday and broke up with me on Monday. As a girl, I felt used, I felt low. When I tried to hold his hand, he felt disgusted about it and pushed me away.

There are so many questions that I want to ask him but I know that there won't be any honest answers to it. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if he came back to me !

Will he understand me like before ?

Will he be calm and patient like before?

Will he be obsessed with me like before?

Will he love and miss me like before?

If he comes back, will this break up happen again in future?

Does he still have my pictures saved in his phone ?

Does he miss me ?

Does he regret ?

I really don’t know and the more I think about it the more negativity surrounds me so no more thinking about these.

A few days back I heard how badly he objectified me and talked ill of me. I was pretty hurt and stunned. He commented on my body. Trust me, after the break up I never described or talked bad about his body. How could he picture me like a whore to his friends ? Was he that bad from the very beginning ? Was he pretending to be nice in front of me ?

I have a back story to tell. He learned objectifying women and body shaming them and looking at them with lustful eyes without even caring about their age from his father. He was always like that from his childhood. I know him from third standard in school. I believed that he changed himself and wanted to settle with me, so I gave our relationship a chance. His father called me a "slut", yes directly. But I still stayed with him. His mother pretended to be good with me but bad mouthed me behind my back.

Seems like the apple does not fall far from the tree.

I am glad that he left. The sooner, the better. If he stayed, there were a lot of things that would have definitely gone wrong. He could not have put up with his act of being nice, for long. His mother was so closed minded, I would have lost my freedom to do or wear anything I wanted. His father would have continued to say awful things about me. His parents' expectations from me were touching the skies. Their expectations were falling in the category where I had to behave like a housewife. I was just 17, how could they ? One of their wishes were that I had to visit his sick grandfather at the hospital with my whole family in between my exams. I did not know his grandparents. When I did not do as they desired, his father badmouthed my whole family, saying that we were unkind, cruel, etc. His mother had the same visions towards the situation.

The second time I visited his house, his mother asked me to serve food to his father. I did not know a single thing about their kitchen or even the food cooked, before I could say something I was left alone. I was helpless until Zen helped me secretly. He was not allowed to help or else his father would be sad that I did not do it myself. His family was not something, I could handle. On the other hand, Zen was not at all ambitious. He had no plans for the future. Even if he said something about earning or moving to some other place, that never included me. As if I never existed in his plans. All he said that he wanted to marry me and nothing else. His anger is way more dangerous. His parents are controlling and I am very much sure that even if he started earning, his parents would interfere in his life every second.

Better to distance myself forever !