The Disorder Between Us

It all started when I broke up with Alpha. I got into a new relationship within just 4 months, which was a huge mistake as I did not complete the lessons that I should have learned from my relationship with Alpha. This new boyfriend I would call him Zen. We were best friends from class 9 and when I reached class 11 I had a break up with Alpha and Zen had his chance with me. He was the sweetest boyfriend ever. Yes, we broke up but the way he treated me the whole time was magical. No one can ever adore me the way he did. He treated me like a literal baby. He would do just anything to impress me and make me happy. In the process, I got spoiled and messed things up, somehow I had some mental problems where the symptoms were very dangerous.

There was not a single day where I didn't cry for very little reasons. Zen was very patient with me. He never raised his voice and always understood me. Even though he couldn't guide me through the tough phrases of life, he pampered me through all of them. I am no doctor but I came to know about a mental disorder named " Borderline Personality Disorder". I could relate to every symptom that it had and I am going to mention some here.

I was lonely even though I could make friends, I did not. I needed him 24/7, I craved for him. I needed him to pamper me more and more. I always wanted him to remember everything about me and talk to me all the time. I wanted to meet him more often and stay with him. I was always unsatisfied, no matter how much he cared for me or showed me love, I wanted more from him. As if I wanted to get into his body and merge my soul with his.

There was this voice in my head that uttered all the negative things to me and made me lazy. I would literally sit anywhere in the house to listen to them. Even a little inconvenience, made me overthink and cry and believe that Zen did not love me. All these pressure went straight on Zen. He was feeling trapped with me. I would harm myself physically often. I was in constant fear in losing him. My fear was pointless, he was so loyal and wanted to be with me his whole life. I should have just relaxed and watched the future unfold itself than fearing it every second. I would complain about not being able to go out but when I had the chance, I would just sit at home.

I lost my sense of self. I lost my identity completely. I forgot who I was, I could not identify myself without Zen. My whole world revolved around him. I thought of dying, I could not imagine a life without him. I wished to keep him forever. I was addicted and obsessed with him very badly.

There was this part of me being controlling about everything he did and I stopped him from doing things that made him happy. I was jealous that he was being happy on his own, I wanted to be the one who would make him smile. I couldn't bear seeing him laughing with others.

I needed help, professional help.

You may think that I am the villain but its okay, the truth cuts deep. I am just sharing the journey of healing myself because I know there are many people out there who are on the same page as I am.

I couldn't get through that hell anymore so one day I decided to end it all. I still remember that day distinctly.

I had a fight with him on the usual topic of giving gifts and doing something special for me (which he stopped after being together for so long). I felt like he had lost interest in me. He felt sick and went to sleep that night, while I was crying my heart out. I took my rosary and wrapped it around my neck and pulled it hard enough to not being able to breathe. My face became red and I was so close to death and suddenly a miracle happened. My right ear which was blocked for a week, suddenly became normal and I was overjoyed. I felt his strange urge to live again and fix my mental health. I am lucky to be alive and I think that life is beautiful. Zen had lost all interest and stayed unbothered about me. His mental health was also deteriorating due to his messed up family problems, study pressure and my complains.

Now, let me acknowledge the good part too. I was really great at other things. I was very supportive. I understood his family problems and stood by his side every time he was wronged. I pampered him a lot and gave him a comfort zone and a full access to me. We were together for 1 year and 8 months and that was the most amazing time of my life. We did literally everything that we possibly could. We experienced every kind of joy and pleasure. We were there for each other through everything. I would guide him in his tough times, motivate him and make him smile. I would help him financially and tried my best to buy him the things that he desired. I helped him with his studies and his projects. He too assisted me a lot with my school works.

We were the most ideal and sweet couple ever. Until everything fell apart and I came out of delusion.

Love alone is not enough to be in a relationship.

Also, I was very loyal to Zen. I promised myself to not repeat the mistakes that I made with Alpha. I am sure I am going to learn from the mistakes I made with Zen as well.

Alpha was good but he was not meant for me. He made me feel like I was asking for a lot but Zen made me feel that true love meant to change oneself and to be better for the other person. He made me feel like I was worthy of love and my demands in a relationship were all valid and he was willing to do it all until he got depressed with his situation and overwhelmed by my increasing demands.

I now understand that everyone is responsible for one’s own happiness and that others can only provide it temporarily. Zen could only support me, he too had a life of his own which was more shaken than mine and he had to handle it all. I expected too much from a boy who was of my age and in a far worse situation than I was.

Even though I have moved on now but I will always remember the way he treated me and feel fortunate.