I'm going on Vocal to tell you I crashed the station wagon

Hey Mom, I've got some things to tell you...

I would only choose this forum to tell you these things because I’m sure that your technical skills don’t allow you to find Vocal, I am also confident you don’t know what Vocal is, or what I write on Vocal. No doubt you would have something to say about some of my stories on here, including some of the stories that are a little bit risqué shall we say.

Beyond that, even as an adult human, I am still sure you would crack it if you found out these things which are just some of the things, I have hidden from you. My friends that grew up with me are still afraid of you.

I shot myself in my big toe to see if it hurt

Now, this sounds worse than it was.

Jerome was over one time when we were about 12. We had Dad’s air rifle out and were shooting a few things in the backyard. I posed the question “I wonder what it feels like to get shot by this?” so I asked Jerome if he would let me shoot him. Now I don’t know why, but he wouldn’t.

Never fear, you didn’t raise a quitter, so I decided to give it a shot myself (pardon the pun). I took aim and shot myself in the big toe. Now for the scientific-minded amongst us, yes, this experiment did give a very clear answer; shooting yourself in the toe with an air rifle hurts like hell! I also wasn’t going to tell you that I’d shot myself in the toe, so I told you that I kicked a rock when I was running.

I still have the scar on my toe. An important life lesson there.

I smoked cigarettes

It took a lot to hide that one from you. I smoked for about 15 years, but every time I was coming to see you, I had to go through a very strict ritual of washing my hands, brushing my teeth, and making sure I was wearing clean clothes that didn’t smell like smoke.

Yes, I know it’s not healthy for me, but I started so I could hang with the cool kids, and I did, which means I worked through to solve a problem. I quit a long time ago and aside from a very occasional cigar I haven’t smoked since.

I didn’t drink underage

Now, this is weird, but I know that you think I was a lot wilder than I was. In fact, you’ve repeatedly made comments that make out you seem to think I was pretty much an outlaw. But the fact is I didn’t drink underage, well except for Dad giving me a sip of his beer every now and then. I did drink when I was old enough, in fact, I drank a lot when I was legal drinking age.

I also didn’t do illicit drugs (underage or as an adult), sorry your son was a bit of a nerd.

I crashed the station wagon

Now there was that time in my first year at university that I came home and told you that I’d hit a pothole, which resulted in the wheel alignment being a bit out and the stereo not working. The real story was that a bunch of friends and I went for a drive down the back of the university. I was practicing burnouts, donuts, fishtails, and other things you probably shouldn’t do in a car.

I wanted to do one more massive donut before we went back to class and I kind of lost control. We ended up mounted on an embankment. I don’t know how it didn’t do any major damage to the car, although that big bull bar was an amazing help there. No one had serious injuries, one of my friends hit his head on the interior light (oh yeah, that got broken too) but he survived. Yes, it was one of my friends you didn't like anyway.

To put your mind at ease, I got better at doing burnouts after that.

Yep, that porno was mine

This one is probably no surprise to you. You found those dirty magazines and I blamed one of Dad's work buddies, but that was mine. You must realize that naked photos of women were harder to come across back then. Kids these days have access to every naked photo possible, for me, I had to get a friend’s older brother to buy them for us.

But you raised a good son, I also read the articles.

I cried a lot more when Dad died than you know

After being married to him for 52 years, I know your heart was broken. I didn’t need you to step into Mother mode for me or my sister at that time, so I cried in private. I think you thought that I didn’t love him, or I wasn’t upset, but it was a gut punch that still hurts today. I wanted to just be strong for you then when you needed it.

There are lots more, but there is always the risk that you will find this article and then I’ll end up getting grounded for the rest of my life.

Happy Mothers Day, even though you still scare me, I love you too.