The First Child

Every second, when I'm pensive, I still can't believe I'm already at an age that can't be called a child anymore. Maybe for some people, 18 years old is still in the category of children at their home, but not for me, because i am a first child. I had to be forced to act mature until now. You have to get used to doing anything on your own without the assistance of two more people because I am the oldest. Obsessed with being the best so my brother can set a good example too.

If my brother has a problem he will tell his parents, if our parents have a problem they will tell and complain to their first child. Then what about the first child? to whom should she tell? to whom should she complain? We can only hug ourselves while crying facing the problems before our eyes and our future which we have to fight for ourselves without anyone's help. We were created by God to fight alone. Independent and helping the family.

Without any experience I traveled the world. Circumstances required me. If not me then who else? Because I'm the oldest child. My experience will be a question from my brother later, so I can answer it. So that he doesn't need to be afraid to explore the world because I am already done.

When I was kid, I couldn't wait to grow up so that all my goals could be achieved. But fate said otherwise, I was required to do things I didn't like. What about my goals first? They all ran aground. When I became an adult I was surprised to find my parents who suddenly gave some of their responsibilities to me. Even though at the age of 18 I wish my parents would ask me what goals I want to achieve, what things I like, and what are my plans for my next life. There was no question about my life, only the pressure they put on me to help them on their own terms. For what I didn't do, but I have to take responsibility for that.

There was a moment when I complained to the world, why was it only me who had to give up everything for all of us. I always regret after talking like that. I blame myself why do I always complain? but to be honest, I'm not strong enough to face all this alone. And there are times when I don't care about the problems that come but someone always brings me back to the problem and forced me to face it.

When I look at my photo when I was little, I always apologize to her. because i always complains about many things. I apologized to her because up to this moment I have not been able to achieve his previous dreams. you look beautiful and innocent, She seemed to say "I am here for you and I always respect your decisions". You must be embarrassed when you see your ruined future self. Much of you has changed.

My parents raised me very well. thanks for that. I became someone who had to be strong in many things and was obsessed with being the best because you taught me to always be the best. You also taught me to be patient and give in. And now it's all used. Now I have to be forced to give in and also have to be patient because one by one my dreams cannot be achieved.

Sorry for not being able to make you happy. Sorry that I didn't live up to your expectations. And sorry for being a useless child.