THE FICITIONAL FANTASY ‘PIT FIGHTER’ WARRIOR, THE MAGIC POTION

THE FICITIONAL FANTASY ‘PIT FIGHTER’ WARRIOR, THE MAGIC POTION

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…AND MY TRUE REALITY.

– By Ross E F Lombardi

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Imagine the following scenario

(This scenario is a metaphor... ...but we will get to that later)

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Imagin you were a pit fighter in some warped dystopian version of our world.

Indentured, enslaved, forced to fight against your will.

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Every three or four weeks...

...without warning...

Ready or not...

No matter how inconvenient...

A van pulls up and takes you to the pit fight.

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You are thrown into the pit to fight for your life.

And if you win, you get to live for another three to four weeks.

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And this repeats.

You only have that three or four weeks to heal and recover for the next fight.

They don't care if you are not ready

It does not matter how badly injured you still are.

Again, with no warning, every three to four weeks, you are picked up in the van and still forced to fight for your life.

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And you keep winning!

But the damage that never gets a chance to heal between bouts accumulates and keeps accumulating.

Damage laid upon damage, laid upon damage.

So each fight for your life gets ever harder.

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And it's a fight for your life.

Your opponent is trying to kill you each time.

One loss. Just one, and it is all over - that's it - you are now dead.

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YOU KNOW with absolute certainty thar each fight might be your last.

YOU KNOW that sooner or later that YOU WILL loose.

How can you possibly keep winning!

No fighter, no matter how good, even in the most ideal conditions, can’t keep winning forever!

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Now in this same world there IS another option.

But it's a harsh one.

If you take a magic potion regularly then you no longer have to fight.

But the magic potion has side effects.

Including.

Not being able to think clearly enough for long enough to enjoy reading a book.

Not being motivated enough to do art, writing or wash yourself properly.

Not really feeling anything, happiness, love, human warmth and all your emotions muted died down to only 1 or 2 out of 10.

Not really being able to enjoy, feel or care about anything, food, sex, sunsets, petting dogs, all become 'nothing'.

You love your wife less, love your kids less, love everyone and everything less.

Your wife and kids effectively lose you to the potions dark magic. As you sit there as a useless lump - leaving them alone, without you.

The magic potion takes away from you, Everything worth living for.

Giving you a sort of un-life, devoid or anything meaningful.

But IF you keep taking the magic potion the van won't pick you up unannounced and force you to fight for your life every three to four weeks.

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So your choices are

A )

Fight for your life every three to four weeks. - no extra needed recovery time.

Or

B )

A magic potion, that if taken regularly, stops the fights but also stops any ability to live and enjoy the life you have.

Or

C )

Let your opponent kill you in the next fight.

So,

Which option do you choose?

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In is This reality!

This cycle of pit fighting hell is why the love of your life , despite trying her hardest,

Has to "fall out of love with you" as a self-defence.

As worrying every three to four weeks about your survival, and constantly, helplessly seeing your injuries and pain build up, eventuality breaks her.

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The metaphor?

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My Mental Illness Vs My Bouts of Serious Depression.

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So my real-life options are

A )

Fight for my life every three to four weeks. Against my depression - no extra needed recovery time. Relentlessly. Until that one time, I inevitably loose.

Or

B )

A medication, that if taken regularly, stops the depression bouts but also stops any ability to live and enjoy the life I have.

Or

C )

Let my depression kill me in the next fight.

So,

What would you choose? If you were me?

Decade, after decade, after decade, every three to four weeks, relentlessly…

Not the macho version!

The real honest to yourself, private answer?

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THIS is my reality!

This cycle of hell is why my ex-wife, despite trying her hardest, For over 30 years, Had to "fall out of love with me" as a self-defence.

She is only human and You can only worry every three to four weeks about someone you love, for only so long before it will break you!

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And on medication, Your wife and kids effectively lost you anyway, to their side effects.

As you sit there as a useless lump - leaving them chemically abandoned, without you.

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So, now I'm divorced, alone, and still fighting

(yet, despite being lonely and feeling that I still have a lot of love to give –

How can I possibly justify putting anyone else through that same emotional nightmare mill?

The Answer?

I can’t Justify it!

I Can NOT Justify it!

I can only be a source of pain.)

It would be a cruel and selfish thing to let anyone love me.

So, I should not be loved

This reality sucks – but I have to learn to live with that truth! – And to still do the ‘right thing’!

The more I care about someone, - then more I should NOT let them care about me!)

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So now I'm divorced, alone, and still fighting every three or four weeks....

For my life...

Knowing that eventually, inevitably, I WILL, obviously Loose!

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As no fighter keeps winning forever…

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