The Failing Adult

I'm another year older and none the wiser. I'm fat, broke, single, and ready to mingle- but the only date I think I'll be mingling with anytime soon will most likely be with Mr. Reaper instead of a charming Sugar Daddy. I think I've passed the age of "young and cute" and crossed into old and pathetic. Now in my thirties, it's starting to dawn on me just how pathetic of a person I actually am; and I need to be honest about it.

First and foremost, let me describe myself physically. I stand 5'1 and current weight is 280. I suffer from mild hirsutism; I still have occasional acne like a teenager, brown hair that's starting to grey in annoyingly random areas at the back of my head, so they are more difficult to find and pluck. I have a few small keloids that are spread out randomly on my body. I identify as Caucasian and sexually I am straight. Now that you know what I look like (roughly). Let's talk about Category 1.

Based off appearance alone- I constantly get the assumption from strangers that I am still a virgin. I lost my virginity at 26, and yes, to most that is considered socially "late" to start. My first time was painful and awkward and needless to stay didn't last long, nor did the relationship I had with the man I was dating at the time. Now, prior to me having actual sexual intercourse, I have had some sexual experiences with at least... (at the top of my head because who the hell keeps track of an actual number) ...15 men. Older men. Maybe 2 or 3 being within my age window of 5 years. These sexual experiences included a mixture of heavy kissing and touch explorations. I've been fully topless to nude, been fondled, been bent over and spanked, manhandled and thrown onto beds, had my nipples clamped, sucked, bit, pinched, iced, had wax poured on them, duck taped and yanked, and gave oral. only 3 or 4 of the guys performed oral on me. Me- I think my first blow job was maybe 21 or 22 years old. I remember only giving out blowjobs maybe 4 times prior to me actually having intercourse at 26.

Yeah. People assume "virgin" until I start talking about sex. After 26, I think I slept with... between 7 or 8 other men after that. I also got really into BDSM and other sexual kinks.

I've had several really odd and unusual, some very kinky and random sexual encounters and dates with men, and after each date I always say to myself "I should write about this," just due to the oddness and hilarity of the situations I got myself into.

I plan on writing about my past sexual escapades and about my life in terms of weight loss, and stabilizing myself in a career, and try to pass off that I often don't think about suicide as often as I do to doctors and strangers.

I've categorized my life into 4 categories:

1: Sex/ relationships/dating

2: Personal Health

3: Finances and Living Arrangements

4: Jobs and Personal Achievements

4 categories of my life and I feel like I've failed in all of them. Maybe I'm being over analytical with myself, maybe I'm being brutally honest. Either way, I feel that maybe to another dysfunctional adult- you won't feel so alone. The internet is a great outlet to be as open and as a stupid as you'd like. I think my life thus far has been pretty entertaining and weird enough, maybe not movie-making worthy, but good enough to display it online.