The Art of Letting Go of Who I Was

It wasn’t so simple until time took its course. The more trapped in my past I became the more I didn’t move. The mind is an inexplicable place. However, I think now that I’ve wrapped my mind into a psychotic state, I’ve realized that it was all because I relied on it too much. How did I end up here and ruin the very thing that I wanted? I thought. You see when your trapped in fear you create more fear. When you don’t move and push yourself past your own limits and let self doubt and fear take its course you become the very thing you don’t want to be.

I had to self reflect and consider how I got myself here. I had loved where I was. But somehow it became a dark place. Why? Why did I sabotage it? I didn’t want to face the darkness, the shadow me. But the more perfect I tried to be in my past. The more I realized I wasn’t the real me.

So, all at once and gradually I became that shadow it took over my entire self. Here I am. Seven years later. I have moved the most I’ve ever moved in my life. I have sat with my shadow and some days allowed it to win. I have grieved my past and let it take over my entire mood for the day.

Now, although there is always something better I can do. I’ve learned that the art of letting go of who I was, is my next move. It isn’t saying it in my head. It is a movement. When you recreate yourself you let go of what was and become what is. I’ve learned to embrace the quiet me. The one who moves more then she says. The one that can walk into a room and not say a word but still somehow get noticed. Not cause I’m trying to be but because I believe I carry now this light inside of me that embrace who I was and focuses on what is to come. That is the beauty of being alive. Everyday you can create who you want to be and it doesn’t have to be a textbook version of who society wants you to be. I don’t fit that version nor do I want too.

Sometimes I don’t fit into any community as much as I try. Thats what being authentic is about. My presence is enough for someone to smile at me or say hi can I but you a drink. That is something I have never realized I neeeded more have I longed for. That is something I now cherish about myself. The past me needed to fill a room with her laughter or friends. Now, it’s about me and my presence. What do I bring to the table. I don’t have to bring too much anymore and it’s so freeing. So, let go of what was and let in what is. Move and move until you find that your being is enough. Sometimes it takes longer for others and sometimes it takes seven years.

But, if I can do it. Someone who once feared everything. Don’t get me wrong I still get nervous walking into the unknown. But once I push past it, I’m free. It’s okay to take your time. It’s okay to find pain in trying to break free. Once you do, you’ll feel like a bird. Take a look around you and realize you were all that ever was needed all along. Once you believe this, you’ll feel you can look at yourself in the mirror and think of yourself with a smile.