The light within

I never understood the point of good and evil, or why one exist with the other. It was something I started to question when I was a young kid. Why were people so mean to me? Why were they trying to control me? Who is Jesus? Why do we need to believe in him?

Then all at once, I had lost my dad to cancer a cancer so evil it took him in months. Why didn’t god save him? He was good to people. If god is good why didn’t he let him live. Why did he have to suffer?

I didn’t understand all of it. I didn’t even know the answers to these questions which bothered me to my core. Until, I had reached my own darkness. Questioning everything became my darkness. I didn’t want to face it. I thought I did everything well and good. I thought I was a good person and for the most part I was. Yet, something struck a chord in my heart and mind.

I went to the dark side. It was so belligerently evil, I had never expected myself to go there. Darkness was my only friend. I had thought of ways to kill, I had thought of ways to kill myself. I had made people seem like it was their fault I was this anger infested human being.

Until, my mom decided she was just going to deal with me. She was going to put everything she believed in aside and love me anyways. Try to get me help and she did.

I went to therapy, I took medication, and I felt even more empty. How did I get here I thought? So, I decided to read about spirituality and how maybe just maybe I can get myself out of it. But what steered this idea in me? What made me want to get better?

Again my mom, she came in my room one night and put a Bible on my desk. She said you don’t have to read it. Then walked out. With love and care I saw in her eyes, I took a second to think about it. There was light still in there, because although I thought I’d evil things. My moms own light sparked one in me again. I said I better give it a try at least. You see you may be so far gone sometimes but light always and is there. Whether you see it in someone else or not, it still apart of you. We are light as long as we believe us to be. But we also have shadows. At this point although I was say I was stuck in my shadow, I just had to turn on the light.

I made the choice to try and my mom planted the seed. The light became brighter as I asked questions and my mom believed in Jesus and prayer. She had answers and did her best to share her thoughtful thoughts.

As I read, I remember the mustard seed metaphor and I thought if my mom and how she planted it. I thought if I didn’t see it, if I didn’t slightly see it. I would have lost my entire soul. Thank god for Jesus and what he did. He ignited light in all of us and acknowledged it. So, if you’re out there and you feel you can’t come back it’s not true. The good is still in you. Fight your way back to your soul. Never look back to the dark side only acknowledge it don’t become it. I pray for all of humanity.