Taken

I am back at my mom's house. I ended up getting drunk in the hotel lobby and called Jahon to come pick me up after failing to hit on anyone successfully in Portland or get anything properly done. I feel like a fool. He raised his voice at me:

Did you fuck anyone? What the fuck were you doing in Portland?

I had to confess that I was with no one and that I just wanted to leave but, it wasn't for a lack of trying... I've been stressed for a while and I just needed to get out.

I don't blame him, he doesn't know me really and he has his own stuff going on. His version of kindness is keeping me far away from his problems, but it makes me feel lonely. Plus, I didn't invite him to the hotel because when I asked him where he was, he said he was at a soccer game so, I didn't think he was near where I was.

Also since I was all pissed about the lack of communication, I don't know what we are. I don't think he even loves me, I think he just feels sorry for me. Him picking me up sort of makes us at the very least friends but probably I am just a piece of ass to him.

I feel really tired. I feel completely restarted. I guess I just got to get back up on the horse and continue with my crazy scheduler business.

The trip was really surreal and foggy. Luckily he didn't take me straight home. He said he knew some nice waterfalls somewhere so we drove out deep into the hills. I felt like I was in a dream and that I've seen some of the places we went to before, but I don't think that is true.

I was too afraid to get to close to the cliff by the waterfall because the irrational fear of him pushing me over went into my head and I was like, " Not today Satan. " I ain't dying like Lady Gaga in the Paparazzi music video.

We were just having sex by the lake in the reeds, then we had dirty sex in a public bathroom at the waterfall.

Kayla? This is the men's bathroom...

I don't know what came over me. I can't blame him because I walked in myself. I guess I was just super high and wanted to stay as close to him as possible. Someone banging on the door while he is covering my mouth. I tossed the hotel cards in the trash and we left.

I guess you can't avoid people even in the middle of nowhere. Or maybe it was the ghost of the holy spirit trying to prevent me from making the horrible choices of the moment.

I feel like our relationship is just sex,

So... Are we just friends with benefits?

I have been think about this as well...

I keep brining up when he proposed to me, trying to figure out if he was just joking or if he was serious. Really, if he said he was joking or he takes it back, I probably wouldn't think about it too much, but because he did, I can't get it out of my mind. Maybe he regrets it right now or maybe he was just being desperate like me.

It is like some sort of addiction. He is like my version of a bad boy; some cracked out Russian pretty boy ruffian.

You know my position, don't be offended by me.

His voice kind of cracked. I think he knew that I deserved better than what he has been doing, but we are both broken people who probably need to be in intense therapy.

Instead, we just sharing a box of Twix ice cream in the car...