Sink or Sing

Last, year, I thought I was going to have the time of my life on my birthday, December 1st because it was also the night of our annual work Christmas party. If someone had told me that it would be the most embarrassing day of my life, I would not have gone to the party and cancelled my birthday that year.

500 people. All dressed to the nines in tuxes and dresses, with makeup, alcohol in hands, staring directly at me and my ex (at the time). Waiting. Waiting to hear the voices behind the faces. Of course...there was no better audience to do karaoke in front of.

This wasn’t just an ordinary karaoke night, in front of your friends at a bar, downtown, where everyone was drunk. Of course, people were drinking, but still enough to judge the performers. Because the prize was $500, and before that night, I was sure my boyfriend and I had a solid shot at winning. But after hearing the other performers, my heart sunk, and I subconsciously knew it would end up being the MOST embarrassing day of my life.

It all started a few months before, when they announced that this year, the company would have a karaoke competition at the Christmas party. Every year, the party was a bit hit, and hundreds of people signed up to go. The event occurred at a banquet hall, and the food was wedding quality, and the tables were set for a feast. Alcohol? Of course. The prizes were extravagant and numerous, ranging from expensive gift baskets to hockey tickets to TVs. And the night would end off in a dance, with blaring music and more alcohol.

The year prior, the main event was speeches. And this year, it was going to be a karaoke competition. You could sing solo or in a band or group. We were told three months in advance, but only one or two people signed up to perform. And one of those fools was me. In hindsight, I was the only fool.

At that point, I was still dating my ex, so I asked him if he wanted to pick a song and perform with me. He said yes! But the hard part was that he was in the States and I was in Canada. And practicing on the phone proved to be difficult. Oh, the other hard part was picking a song – I was more inclined to sing Taylor Swift, and all he wanted to perform was older songs…practically from the 50s. I wasn’t really up for that. Until I thought maybe it would hit is big with the older crowd – I knew there were some older people at the company. So we picked some random old duet song and signed up to perform.

One month before the date, my boyfriend and I realized we barely practiced the song, and when we did, it sounded terrible. So we tried changing the song a few times. We finally settled on “When you are old and gray” by Tom Lehrer, and practiced a few times over the phone. That month, my boyfriend was more concerned about playing his video games for an upcoming tournament than practicing the song we would have to sing in front of 500 people. I hope he won the tournament he was practicing for…

The person who was organizing the karaoke event, a product manager at my company, let’s call him G, struck up a conversation with me. We chatted about several things and then started on the topic of the karaoke competition, because he knew I had signed up. He mentioned that there were only one or two other people who had signed up, saying that the event might be cancelled. My heart sunk. Because there I was of course, dying to sing, and to sing for people. Perform in front of an audience and begin my music career, and write all the songs I wanted and quit my job. He said he would talk to the others and see whether we could still have an event.

Oh, I should probably mention that at some point between all this, my boyfriend and I broke up. Minor details.

Fast forward to a few weeks (maybe two) before the day of the party. G called me, saying that I had to perform, and that he believed in me. Of course, I didn't realize his agenda was to make the event happen - I was just a pawn in his plan. But personally, I was thrilled, hoping he asked me because he knew my voice and thought I could genuinely sing. He asked how much money it would take me to get up there and perform. I think I said $1000. He said okay, I’ll take that into consideration. And so, with my heart pounding I said yes, that I would perform.

I immediately called my ex, and asked if he would sing with me. Bad idea for several reasons. After debating how it would be possible, he agreed to flying up the night before the competition…so we could practice in person…for the first time.

Fast forward to the night before the competition. My ex arrived, and I forgot where I parked at the airport to pick him up, and by 1am we got to my apartment. Frustrated and tired, we practiced the song we had chosen once, and realized it wasn’t working, so we changed the song, again. The song we decided on? ”Shaving Cream” by Benny Bell. My ex would sing all the verses, and I would sing the chorus: “Shaaaaving cream, be nice and clean. Shave every day and you'll always look keen”

On the day of, Saturday, December 1st, we practiced a few more times, and decided that we would try to make it a joke, hoping to make the audience laugh from the wit of the song. We would also teach them the chorus at the beginning, so that they could sing with us, hoping to win over the audience by their participation.

By the time it was evening, we went to the event, and our hearts started getting anxious. Or at least mine did. My boyfriend was excited about the food. I had wanted to go early to practice, by my ex, giving me weird looks the whole time, was confused why I was so frustrated and upset. I was angry because we had barely practiced, and I wasn’t a big fan of the song. Duh.

After light conversation and appetizers, and dinner, the karaoke event started. G announced that the prize was $500 and that the audience was the judge – how loud they clapped and cheered would determine the winner. Gosh. I wanted to win.

The first contender, a soloist, got up to the stage, and sang an extremely famous song. He nailed it. I mean he absolutely nailed it, from the belting and the range and the lyrics. The crowd went wild, and at least a hundred people came to the dance floor to slow dance as he sang. My ex and I looked at each other in horror. We can still do this I thought. But no, he was amazing. And the song he chose was contemporary and everyone knew it.

Next performer, another soloist, went up and sang, and did very well. Not as good as the first, but still excellent. After that, a band went up, and performed another famous song. And once again, the crowd went wild.

And then it was us. My ex and I again looked at each other, both of us 200% knowing we shouldn’t sing after the last performance due to the risk of embarrassment, couldn’t stop our feet from moving towards the stage when our names were called. So we found ourselves center stage. My mind was praying that the audience would find the song funny and that the actions we had come up with would be great theater.

We started by saying ”if you know the song, please sing with us”. Pro tip: don’t do that...ever. If the audience knows, they will probably start singing with you, especially if they’re drunk.

My ex started the song. The microphone blared and my mind lost understanding of what was happening and I went into autopilot based on what we practiced. He continued singing. After my first line, which I sang close into the microphone, I realized I had zero clue what note I was singing on.

Song: "I have a sad story to tell you

It may hurt your feelings a bit

Last night as I walked into my bathroom

I stepped in a big pile of... [Chorus]

I think I'll break off with my girlfriend

Her antics are queer, I'll admit

Each time I say, "Darling, I love you"

She tells me that I'm full of...[Chorus]

[I did the actions I had practiced, while the audience just stared, perplexed as to why a karaoke performance had suddenly become theater and interpretive dance. My cheeks started to get red, but we continued. ]

Our baby fell out of the window

You'd think that her head would be split

But good luck was with her that morning

She fell in a barrel of... [Chorus]

My old lady died in a bathtub

She died from a terrible fit

In order to fulfill her wishes

She was buried in six feet of... [Chorus]

[No one laughed at the funny bits, no one cheered, no one applauded. And no one sang the chorus with me.]

When I was in France with the army

One day I looked inside my kit

I thought I would find me a sandwich

But the darn thing was loaded with... [Chorus]

[I sounded terrible and the stunning voice I thought I had was nowhere to be heard. And my ex sounded like some sort of beast. I hope you never read this. You’re sometimes sweet person and have a somewhat gentlemanly voice, but that night was an utter disaster in terms of our vocal chords…and everything else.]

And now folks my story is ended

I think it is time I should quit

And if anyone of you feel offended

Push your head in a bucket of... [Chorus]"

The song finished, and it took a second for everyone to realize we were done. The announcer said our names as a wake up call to the audience, and a few people clapped, a few people chuckled. Every stared in shock at us, wondering what had just happened. We walked back to our seats with our faces burning, knowing full well the farce that we had just performed.

Our friends at the table welcomed us with smiles and said “good job” and “Oh, I’ve never heard that song before!” My ex and I looked at each other, and I just wanted to just die. I was ready to walk out of that party then and there, and quit my job so I would never have to see these people again. I didn’t because we would have had to walk back in front of a hundred people to leave the event hall.

After dessert was served, just before it was time to announce the winners, G announced that there was a last minute entry to the competition. He said that she wasn’t going to enter, but after hearing the other singers that night, she decided she wanted to make her dream come true and sing for people and enter the competition. A girl about 30 years old came up, and in a beautiful, powerful, stunning voice, started singing. And what was she singing? Whitney Houston. The audience went wild. She won. The loudness of the cheering and clapping was inequivalent to the other performers.

After the crowd settled down, I don’t know why, but they still called up all the singers to the front. They were going to see one more time who the audience cheered for the loudest. All the contestants got loud cheering, except for us. We got a few claps but it was extremely humiliating. Of course, Whitney’s prodigy won, fair and square. She won the $500 and that was that.

I cried that whole night, and tried to erase it from my mind, and held my head in shame for the next month, hoping everyone at work would forget. But no one forgot. Instead, jokes about shaving cream were widely told in the office for months on end.

And so, that night, was a monumental night for me, like no other, and I swore to myself I would never embarrass myself again like that. I didn’t win $500, I was thoroughly embarrassed, and I lost all my dignity. Happy birthday to me.