SHE

I see her every day. Every day I give her a fake smile, and every day she fake smiles back. When I think she’s not looking, she is. Even when I look away. She imitates the way I walk, how I dress. She’s got my makeup routine down to a science. It’s crazy how she thinks she can be me. Mimicking the way I talk and all my mannerisms. It’s sad. She has no idea how to be her own person. How insecure.

My friends have no idea who she is and I feel foolish trying to explain. What would I say? Oh, don’t mind that crazy chick staring at us right now. She’s got issues. It wouldn’t make sense. Then I’d have to explain how I’ve acquired such a problem. How have I become such an interesting subject to observe and imitate? Even I don’t understand how it happened. I’d end up sounding arrogant.

Lately, I’ve noticed she’s changed. She’s more aggressive, more judgmental. She literally approaches me and taunts my every move. It started with what I consider to be harmless comments. You’re getting fat, dear, she’d say. Your hair is a nightmare, you need more concealer Panda bear, you look bloated. Words. I can handle words. After all, that’s all they are. They're meaningless if you ignore. Little did I know, she wouldn’t stop there. She went from harmless to hateful overnight. It’s no wonder he cheated, she’d say. You’re selfish, you’re nothing but a 32 year old loser, everyone hates you. Don’t get too close to anyone because your toxic traits bleed over. Your kids don’t love you. You’ll never amount to anything. You know they think you’re weird, right? Go back to cutting yourself. Don’t share your ideas because no one cares. People know you’re damaged, that’s why they stay away. You think people care or even believe he molested you? You think you’ll get a pass for being crazy? KILL YOURSELF!

It became so constant that I couldn’t bear the sight of her. But I couldn’t escape. She was everywhere. Creeping in every shadow, lurking through every window. I would try to block her out, but her voice was so loud it resounded in loud echos everywhere I went. Her words began to matter. You can cover it all up with makeup but people see through you. You’re mental, you’re a depressing wreck. You’re dumb for staying when he kept fucking around on you. She was always prettier and had more money. You ruined a good thing for him with her. You’re a mess and no one loves a mess. You really think he loves you? He’s just biding his time. It kept going on and on. I couldn’t silence her. She continued with her ravenous lust for hate until my loved ones could see. She was evil toward my kids, mean to my husband, closed me off from my friends and close family. She wouldn’t quit. All I wanted was an escape, an exit, a way out. There wasn’t one. I would have to do the opposite of run away. I’d have to stand toe to toe with her and shut her up, face to face.

It had to be on mutual ground. Somewhere no one could disturb us. We needed a place where we could expose it all, let it out. Somewhere alone. I found the perfect place, at the perfect time where she couldn’t hide from me. She agreed and showed up, seemingly unfazed by my existence. You wanna talk? She said. “Yeah, let’s talk” I replied. She looked into my eyes. I looked right back, trying to burn a hole into her soul. It felt like a Western Standoff, with any moment being our last, waiting on the other’s quickdraw. She laughed and laughed as I started to explain how she has begun to effect my life. I let my words run like waves as the tears streamed down my cheeks like rivers or blood and sweat. The more I shared, the more intense each word felt. Every phrase was met with condescension and sarcastic retorts. She would keep interrupting me, wouldn’t allow me to finish one thought until I couldn’t take it anymore. I had bottled up so much leading up to this point and I just couldn’t allow her to push me around any longer. I let it all go. “WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!"

Silence fell and the room grew still. I was breathless and tired from the tears I had cried. I looked up at her, she was quiet and frozen. She stood still, tears on her face, out of breath. Her movements matched mine as I waved my hand in her face, trying to get her to snap out of it and respond. “Say something!” I yelled, only to find she had uttered the same words back at me. I looked down at the bathroom sink and ran the water until it grew scorching hot, producing steam. I looked at her, she looked back at me and began to disappear behind the layer of steam between us. As the fog lingered and condensation began to drip down, I could see glimpses of her pained face through the steam. I realized something. This entire time, she was me. I was her. I had been battling my reflection. I stood astounded as I breathed in the wet, steamy air. I am my own worst enemy. I’m the voice in my head. I’m the one hurting those people I love. I’m responsible for the monster within. SHE’S me.

All I’ve done is bring myself down. I never stopped to give myself credit. I don’t love myself correctly. I get it wrong 9 times out of 10 but the first step to recovery is admitting the problem. Admitting you have an issue, seeking help. Every day I try to be a better version of myself than I was the day before. It goes without saying that sometimes She appears in the mirror to taunt me and make me feel worthless. The only difference now is I’ve learned to look myself in the eye and face ME, hold myself responsible, take accountability, stop the self-sabotage and forgive myself. Love myself, embrace my flaws, treat myself with respect, change my narrative.

I see her every day. Every day I give her a fake smile, and every day she fake smiles back. When I think she’s not looking, she is. Even when I look away. But this time, She won’t win because my best self is stronger than her, and she always will be.