Sentinel

Sometimes I am the watcher and sometimes I am the watched. You stand stone cold, quietly keeping score of some chess game started long ago. The rules have changed as time moved on. In the beginning, only large transgressions brought down your wrath. What you deemed dishonest, disloyal, disingenuous. Sometimes unaware of my misdeeds, I walked willingly into the minefield. My disbelief as the angry barrage of word bombs exploded around me fed your flames. Your passion almost consumed me and the heights you took me to were unmatched by anyone before you.

You counted on my addiction to your love. Sparse affection and kind words replaced boundaries and respect. Many times I was laid bare by your love and concern. It was always in my best interests. You only want what is best for me, as long as it is best for you. All decisions major and minor revolve around what works best for you. If your needs are met and your happiness concrete, it is a guarantee I will be happy by your standards. Other women would fight for my life and the chance to be with you.

As I am often reminded, you spoil me with your love and kindness. I am responsible for my own happiness and if I am miserable, it is only because I choose to be. You have saved me from the cold, hard world. I am too soft, too naive, too caring about others and their lives. I wouldn't be able to handle the world on my own. I have grown to doubt my own strength and intelligence. Who am I without you?

Mercilessly you have taken all I treasured about myself, my frail confidence and ego, and burnt them to the ground. I should have no pride or acknowledgement unless it comes from you. My successes, my accomplishments, all come back to you. I should not relish in the small accolades given to me by others, I should only want to impress you. On this team of you and I, everything I do should reflect well on you. Your critique is the only one that matters. I should have done it this way, I could have done it better if I did it that way. Why didn't I listen to you and do it your way? Aren't you always right?

I begin to question my own sanity. Is right side up or is upside down? And I question you? If you and I both get the same outcome, how can you be right and I am wrong? The rules keep changing and I hopelessly realize there can be no end. I cannot win. For me to win, means you must lose and that can't happen. We cannot be on an equal playing field. We cannot be partners, fighting the good fight together. We aren't destined for a happy ending. In order for both of us to survive and thrive there must be compromise. And I have little left to give. Though you are my dark prince and the love of my life, I cannot relinquish my queen.

As time goes on, I have come to understand that much of what we have exists because of both of us. I too have contributed to the madness of this seemingly unending game. I have chosen to rise above your threats and your tantrums. To keep peace at all costs so I can survive. Unbeknownst to me, I am still feeding your flames. I still hope for some glimmer of the love I once believed was mine. All the while planning my escape. But I know it may be to no avail. The odds aren't in my favor. I am only one or two moves from you taking my queen. So I watch, and plan and wait. Will my rook be strong enough to protect my place on the board or will your pawn blindside me and cause my demise at checkmate?