Once I Held You Nearest

Mother Dearest,

Who I once held nearest, you were my teacher and friend. You taught me how to sing to the chickadees and hold seed in my hand so still that eventually they would land in my palm. You taught me how to look between the shells and rocks to find seaglass overstepped by countless beachgoers. Little gems hidden in the endless grey. You taught me to be gentle with my actions because not everyone is greeted with kindness. And from that I also learned how to care.

Maybe that's what led me to resent you for all those years, or perhaps it was a piece of it. But as I grew older and watched you grow depressed I couldn't help but to feel rage. Why didn't you sing to the birds anymore? Why didn't you want to see your friends? And when I wanted to hold you, why did you let go of my hand? I was too young to understand.

I wanted to shake you awake from your living dream. Shock you back into your skin. My sister did a better job. She was far more outspoken than anyone else in our family. Funny how time changes when now she hardly says a thing. And does my father notice this pattern repeating, do you talk about these things? I'm sorry that we never did. And I'm sorry that I disappeared.

Do you ever think about that year when I went away for the first time? I said I would rather be anywhere but here, and at the time I meant it, if I could have run farther I would have. You were never supposed to know that though. The truth is I had given up, you were getting worse and while I knew I wasn't the cause, me being there sure as hell wasn't fixing anything. That's what I thought.

I mourned like you were already too far away to ever reach again. It wasn't long until we forgot how to look each other in the eyes. A mother's love is supposed to be endless but now we hardly recogized each other. A mother and daughter on paper but strangers when we breathed the same air. How could we have forgotten the love we once shared?

But then, sometimes, on a rare milisecond of a moment we met each others eyes and I would see the invitation becconing me in. At first I was confused and didn't know how to accept this. If I chose to reach towards you again how could I know that you'd change? Childhood was over and left untouched in memories of better days. But slowly I lifted my gaze and made the decision to give you another chance because you taught me that everyone deserves to be met with kindness. And I was older and didn't believe that anymore but I knew I at least owed it you to let you build yourself up again and to once more be a friend.

I don't know how much I love you. We've only recently began speaking again. We haven't exactly been keeping up with each other enough for me to know you well anymore. But if you let me in we could start sharing stories again. You could teach me to sing. Tell me about your favorite band or the first time you fell in love. I'll tell you about where I went to those years I was gone. What do you dream of now? What do you think of me? Are you proud of me? I'd hoped you'd tell me the answers when I came back but the silence I was met with just created more space. And when I reached to you I knew our bond had been damaged deeply but I believe we can fix it.