old me

I see the gifts wrapped in bright colored paper

I see the lights of the Christmas tree reflecting on the glass ornaments

Yet my heart doesn't pound in excitement

I hear the old Christmas carols playing on the radio

I see the old Christmas movies that I've seen every year

Yet my mind isn't wild with anticipation

Here I sit looking into the wood stove

I can sympathize with those dying embers of a once roaring fire

What has happened to me?

I feel old

I am a young man

Yet my muscles of hope feel weary

My bones of cheerful optimism are frail

My eyes of faith have grayed and are dull

The streets are as sparsely lit as the hearts of the ones who live on them

The warm greeting “Merry Christmas”

has been replaced with the empty words “happy holiday”

Stress and greed fill the once peaceful and generous days

What has happened to us?

I am only one of many

Many who suffer from the same disease

The epidemic of adultness

Where is our childlike wonder that sees the hope?

Where is the giddy excitement at a new season?

Where is the expectation of miracles?

We have grown old

We have replaced maturity with adultness

Childlikeness with childishness

Faith with sensible facts

Hope with desperation

My heart feels cold as the winter wind

My blood moves like the frozen river

Why?

What have I done

What have I forgotten

What did I lose?

Did I lose childlikeness in the expectation of the other adults?

Did I lose my faith in the facts?

Did I lose my Joy in their expectation of sameness

The in and out of the day to day wears me thin

Here I am in my see-through skin

Look at my flaws

Look at my sin

I have forsaken my hope

I have buried my passion

Its dying embers are under the ashes

I see a flame

A promise

Hope

Only a breath away

Yet somehow out of reach

Somehow outside of reason

Could we have forgotten something?

What is this celebration we call Christmas?

What is the reason for the season?

Could it be true?

God sent his son as a baby?

For the salvation of men?

Men like me?

This is all too good to be true

So good that it can't be true

It defies all that we know

But did it always?

As a child I could watch the impossible unfold with excitement

The rules of adultness didn't bind my faith

The expectation of adultness didn't choke my Joy

I was once a slave

I have made myself a slave once again

Must it stay this way?

But can I truly be free?

If I am free what will protect me?

There are no walls of sensibility

No roof of fearful precaution

I can't live like an adult

This is not living

This is only death delayed

I release you Christ from the bonds of safety

I release you Christ from the cage of certainly

I release you Christ from the prison of sensibility

Do as you will

Be unbound by the laws of man

Cast your ridiculous love on us

Work your miraculous plans

Bring once again your unshackled power

Command the unthinkable

But if I see nothing else

Make me a child again

Kill my adultness

Restore my eyes of faith

Strengthen my muscles of hope

Strengthen my bones of cheerful optimism

Let my heart pound in excitement once more

Let my mind run wild with anticipation of the future

Let me feel the fire of youth once again

Warm my heart once again

Let my blood boil in a passion

Let them ask why

He takes my hand and leads me

I look ahead and see

I was the one in the cage

He removed my chains of security in men

He pulled me from the cage of man's expectation

He killed my adultness

I am free once again

My joy is returning

What is happening to me?

I feel young

A.J.P.

December 16 2018