My Tsunami

As a child, I would spend my days by the beach. I would light up by the swooshing of waves, and the sand on my toes. Although, as I grew older my beach turned into a boy with dirty blonde curly hair.

It was September 2020, I wouldn’t say I am depressed, exasperated, if anything. The scenes that have led to this moment have been nerve racking to say the least, but I am still able to find the bright side. Nonetheless, I'm about to start a new sport.

It’s scary walking through these doors. Seeing faces that seem foreign, and doing warm ups that were most definitely making me feel feeble. Nearing the end of class, I can certainly say this is for sure a one time thing. As I picture walking out the door, he walks in. All my anxiety instantly eases, and I am chilled by the wave of his aura. I can't help but stare and smile with complete jubilance. Although he does not smile; just stares.

The next two months go by fast, we don't talk much besides his need to force me to watch his favorite show. That is until we have a class together. I see him and I'm instantly that little girl obsessing over the waves. I never told him this, but I had already spent three hours working out; although the second I saw him I figured, what's one more hour. Thankfully we partner up, we laugh, joke. Although my limp body is not able to submit him I feel victory all around. After that class we talk, and facetime each night. The wave is gone; it has been replaced by a tsunami headed straight towards me, and I welcome it with a warming smile. Suddenly, I am floating.

Maybe it was the sound of his voice, or the way he walks, but this boy is making me feel a way I have never felt before. This one feeling is reserved for him. We date and spend every second together, soon enough four months have passed. During our time together, I have the privilege of hearing him say “I love you”. For a while if you were to ask me, “what is your most prize worthy moment”, it would be this. I believed his “i love you” with all my heart, it didn’t matter the struggles nor lies he told me, I was in love with the curly haired boy.

I wish I could say it was time that broke us; the truth is his obsession just eased. The tsunami begins to fall, just a little each second of every day. I know deep down he didn’t mean to fall out of his obsession or maybe love. Due to his need to protect me, he stays as long as he can. I know deep down he isn't happy. Soon enough, he begins to resent me, and the tsunami becomes more careless as the waves begin pulling me under. Without his knowledge, he is breaking me little by little. Soon enough, I was drained, and he left me.

The tsunami is gone, he took the ocean away as he moved on, I am left in a puddle to wallow in what has come and gone. I bathe, drink, and lay, begging for the ocean to come back. I don’t need a tsunami, I would be happy with just a tiny wave, just to know he still cares.

I fall back into old habits, by the time summer begins, I can’t even recognize myself. Every little pain comes rushing to the surface, the eating disorder I was fighting so desperately to leave for good, the anxiety he seemed to always melt away with a kiss, and the heartache that I fear will always stay. With all my self- hatred the beach is back, there is no tsunami, but it is high tide, and I do not know how to swim. As I drown, gasping for air, I propose the question: who am I? I ask myself this for a while, as someone who has relied on a person for security and sustainability for months, what does that make me?

School started a little while ago. As I pass my friends in the halls, I wave with the brightest smile. If my happiness is real or not, I have no clue. With these months, I realize if your smile looks real enough, you’ll start to believe it is true. This becomes my second nature, breathe and smile. I can say I have perfected this.

His puddle would sometimes get larger, but instead of nurturing, it is ferocious, taking what he wants then leaving. For the little moments he comes back, my smile is true, but my tears have never been heavier. As I allow myself to be disrespected on a constant basis, school gets more stressful, my family slowly begins to notice me less, and I grow to resent myself even more. With this, I sink. I can feel the wet sand on my toes, and I feel eyes on me as sea creatures pass. I can almost hear their worry mixed with judgment as they think to themselves,“how could she let herself get this bad”.

Who am I if I cant even get my family to love me, or just a stupid teenage boy. So I stop trying to swim, I lay, and it becomes a safe haven. I realize I am too scared to see the waves crash together or even feel the beaming sun as I run and play, because that would mean I have to feel everything as I rush to the surface, and my legs are too limp to swim.

It comes to the point where I sit and beg for that little girl who strives in love, not the one that begs to be loved. As I grow, I begin to realize, its time to let all the hurtful things in life that have happened to me go, and I am. I am breathing, and for now that is good enough. For the first time, I am able to kick. I swim all the way up to the surface and see a glint of light. Every kick I make, I am pulled just a little more, but I know I’ll only drown if I give up.

As I look back into my reflection, I see me not the girl being hugged by her past. One boy not knowing how to love, one girl not knowing how to love herself no longer defines me. There are still days I wish I could trade for just one more moment because I was still pure. There was nothing holding me back from speaking, or laughing, but I think that is what makes my laughter more valuable. I choose for high tide not to define who I am, anymore. I am no longer drowning in a tsunami, I am floating, but this time I made the wave, not my past.