My side

It all started when I was wondering why I get so much anxiety and why I am so avoidant to any good situation. It was just about winter time in Alaska, I was in my room, my home in an Alaskan village. I sat in my room looking at the emptiness in my soul and wondering why in the world am I so afraid of everything. I took my phone on my desk and started looking up ways to fix my anxiety and depression. A link in google showed up about introspection, to look into the soul and psyche. I got interested and took notes, the website asked me to ask myself why I am so afraid? I thought about what makes me so scared. Hell, I was afraid of going to hell. I believed in God and I still do but the hell part was just so unnecessary and too much fear. Its no kidding that it taught me not to be judgmental, especially treat people how I want to be treated so that I won't go to hell after I die but the real hell is judging people and then experience the same thing you judged them for. So I always had an open mind so that I can learn and live the safe way. So I had to apologize to my younger self, let her know that I am so sorry that we believed all that, that we do not deserve to live in fear all this time. I acknowledged how much it affected my life and then I apologized and forgave. After that forgiveness I felt a great light in my chest, my heart felt like it lifted all the worries up to God. I felt so alive. I then told my body "I love you so much" like a 100 times, I am pretty sure everyone in the house also felt the light and love that I recently discovered. Maybe also the world felt the change. I did so much introspection and I told my body that I appreciate them so much and I love them so much and they deserve love and light. I felt like my whole body was light and I think someone else saw it personally, literally like they saw me in the light world. Like I was the brightest person they've ever seen. After that, it seemed like there was one old man with a white beard sitting next to a younger man with a dark beard sitting on a table and told me we have been waiting for you, welcome back. They talked about how they also helped me lead me to this moment and they were very proud. And then when they were wrapping their conversations up and they looked at me and then said a particular name, touched my forehead and then it was very intense, it was as if they gave me all the memories I had with this person, all the lives that I shared with. It was that intense for the next year or so. It was like as if God (maybe spiritual guide or God how I perceive them) was by my side telling me all the things I need to know about life and this connection. I had some connections with that person, its like we were talking a lot even if we weren't physically talking. It was like I had a radio to his head and we just talked back and forth forever all day 24/7. It came to the point that it made me happy, also very sad. It became very annoying but also I was glad that it was this person. It felt like we needed to connect on more deeper level. I was still healing (or that is my excuse), so I didn't do anything about it. I had deep anxiety thinking I would mess up, believing that I need to be more perfect to be something like that because they were perfect, I did not even pursue a relationship not even being friends which we were all our lives until like high school. I just could not.

It was interesting that I learned to love myself, I appreciated my body and everything, I was light and love. Anyone who had been neglecting their spirituality or their connection with their body seemed kind of intimated. Its like only one person matched the light, saw the love and it was like our souls danced together. Its like that particular person saw my light and knew that it was their light too and we connected more than a soul level connection. It was very intense. We were never together but being away from each other hurt so much, I could feel it. Its like when I tried to pursue a friendship, it was too awkward and I was too shy. Too scared to make fun of me. Maybe they loved and it frightened me. It was not the right time, I don't know. I really don't know. It was very interesting how we connected, we would be in each other's thoughts, help each other, connect. When I would listen for it, it was poetry. They wrote music, when I listened, it felt like he was talking to me. It was like the conversations we had. The real emotions expressed. I hope it was good for him.

Today my life is very different. We are not friends. Wish I can tell that story to everyone I know but it would be kind of weird I guess.