My only hobby

I think I just need to write here no matter what. Whether I am tired or sad or drained, I am just going to write here so I can at least say that I got my feelings out. All the things I can't tell people, all the things that people don't understand.

I need at least one place I can be free. I know that I think this new apartment will be my freedom, and maybe it will be but I think it won't be absolute. I guess you can say, that even here has it's consequences, but I need somewhere to write all my frustration and I need to voice everything I need to say, without fear of judgement.

There are very few places where I allow myself that. And what I've observed of myself writing here is that it is does facilitate that.

I don't know about manifestation either really past all the youtube videos and what not but I do think the momentum of writing feels pretty liberating too. Ah, sure there are days I struggle with it. I do have times where I feel like worry overcomes me, or I just can't articulate what's actually going on.

I think most people don't actually read full on articles here anyway so, I don't think I should worry about it really.

I've cried all today so, I am pretty drained. I have faint moments of like, a but of what you'd call a dream, but is actually closer to just feelings right now. Like, I am just think of peace. Thinking of moments when I saw beauty and felt fresh.

I was wasting all my time talking to people trying to get validation that way. I thought that perhaps there would be a connection but that's a luxury that I guess I can't afford.

I think, I need to, not be afraid to cry anymore. Like, if I cry. I don't need to explain but, I should allow myself to be seen crying. Just to make the space for that in my life. Because I've always thought, " Ah, someone is going to take advantage of me if I cry. " But really, that's not true. In fact, that's giving that person power thinking of it that way. I don't have to open up or explain anything to them, but god Kayla, allow yourself to feel for your own sake.

I'll try, it is very hard but, I feel like I need to have that at least. Keep things to yourself, but feel what you feel unapologetically.

Now is the time to have faith

Tarot video said. I don't have any family or friends at the moment. Even only people are trolly and no reliable. I guess there are a few people who are at least kind. That's nice. I am glad. checking off that on my list.

Leave the place you've cried in.

Makes me think I need to leave my room, but what to do? Take another shower? Eat something? I also picked up the bad habit of using ai as a search engine now. I am glad that Youtube popped up Searchlight Tarot. She's always a delight to hear.

The dog barking and obvious guest coming over makes me think I need to just stay in here. I always wonder if I ever go visitors and were never told about it. I don't know if they'd do that or not but I feel like they would.

I have to just ignore it for now, there's no way of knowing and it's in the past.