My Mother's Day Confession

Dear Mom

Hey mom I never told you this before, but I’m sorry. I failed again, like I usually do when it comes to what you expect of me. I didn’t become the son you wanted me to be. Instead I have been the biggest burden on you, and I know that it is impossible for me to repay you.

I can see it in your eyes everytime we talk. I avoid your gaze so I can stop feeling guilty. How selfish of me, when your love is abundant, mine is absent. Everytime you're excited to have a conversation with me I avoid it. Knowing this decaying rot in my chest is the reason I can’t connect with you. I’m part of your stress, a constant crystalized nightmare that stabs your mind when you sleep.

The honesty you have for my ears is kept silent because you spare these weak useless feelings, even when you are hurt the most. I remember the time when you retreated to the couch to hide your tears from me. That was the day I told you I failed the most , and as much as it hurt, you kept the crying quiet and wept silently. I was listening.

This wasn’t the last time either, each dreadful occasion that would arise you held the chaos close to your heart, and I would just listen to the painful sounds afterwards. I hope this letter finds you. I truly do love you mother, and I know how much I hurt you. The pain you must feel when your eyes stare down at me must be consuming, always pushing the best for me when I don't want the best for myself. It's illogical, the most sensible thing to do is to let me bury my own whole.

Yet there you are, grabbing the shovel out of my hands and guiding me back to the house, one step at a time. Whenever I feel like it’s finally over you give me reasons why it's not. It just doesn’t seem fair, your constant engagement in what I’m feeling, your overwhelming hovering over my thoughts and behavior, it just doesn’t seem fair that you care so much. Unfortunately, I don’t want it. All this does is put you through more pain, and I rather suffer alone.

When we argue it's evident that your stance on the conflict is solid. As I lie through my teeth you break down my argument and still try to correct me knowing how useless the correction will be. The things you tried to teach me never stuck to my ears and I paid dearly for it. Because of my distant relationship with you I can never keep a connection close to me. I’m always afraid to lose what I gain because of what I lost with you.

Sorry isn’t enough, it’s just an empty word for you. I’ve said it so many times that eventually you started saying it before I could utter the word. That still applies doesn’t it? How stupid can I be? To think that this would even cover the fraction of disappointment you feel for me. How foolish of me to think that this would be enough.

The usual conversations that I have with strangers are just as disconnected as my conversations with you. I’m not present, as you tell me about your day I listen as closely as I can, then I shut down. Unable to even understand or repeat what you said to me. What a son I am. A mother wants to share the day with her child and he’s not even present at the moment.

Here’s my apology again, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this never reaches you, it's expected at this point. I’m sorry, and I love you dearly.

Love,

Your son