My Heart Closed

When I was 12 I cried in the change room cause I forgot my gym clothes.

I went to a private school called St Mildreds in Oakville cause my parents were worried about drugs in the middle school system.

The teacher kicked me out of class and all the girls laughed.

I wasn’t upset because I had to miss gym.

I was upset because the other girl’s hated me.

I did have some friends.

I collected all the girls that the other girls hated.

Our friendship based purely on the fact that we were the ones nobody else liked.

Because we were just too weird.

The school secretary found me crying and she told me something that I will remember forever.

“It’s good that you forgot your gym clothes” she said.

I stopped crying to stare at her.

“Why?” I asked.

“The other girls will like you more if you are sometimes, you know, just a little bit bad” she said.

I thought it was a very strange thing for her to say but I took her advice to heart.

I stopped tucking my shirt into my uniform and wore it rebelliously over my skirt.

But the girls just kept on laughing.

My socks fell down on the bus and they laughed that I didn’t shave my legs yet. They laughed at my pimples and my centre part.

I was destined to always be a nobody , they said, because of the way my hair was naturally parted.

(Even though my Dad had always called my Mom “the Angel with the centre part”)

I just sat there watching them as they primped their side parts in the change room mirror.

Maybe, I thought, I should just pretend I forgot my gym clothes so I don’t have to go in.

That started me thinking.

The next morning, I woke up with even more pimples. I looked in the mirror and knew I couldn’t possibly face those horrible girls.

My sister Caroline and I left our house for school walking side by side in our navy blue uniforms and heavy book bags.

I stopped at the end of our street.

“Let just not go.” I said.

‘What do you mean? ‘ Caroline said and stopped to look at me.

“I mean, lets just not go ..today.”I said.

“What, are you going to do, say you’re sick?”she asked.

“No” I said. “I don't mean go home. I mean go somewhere till school is over.”

“You can’t just not go to school.”she said.

“Yes, you can.” I said.

“No, you can’t.” she said. “You'll get in trouble.”

“So?” I said.” Cmon Caroline! It’ll be so fun that it’ll be worth it even if they do find out! ..Let’s be daring! “

“No, I’m not going to.”She said and shook her ringlets and looked worriedly over to the bus stop. “I better hurry or I’ll miss the bus.”

“Wait! “(My last attempt to convince her) “We can just say we missed the bus and..”

“Mom would just drive us anyways” she said and hurried off.

“Don t tell Mom!! “ I call after her.

“Okay bye.”she said.

“Bye.”I said sadly to myself.

It wasn’t fun.

I decide to sit in Oliver’s sandbox.

Oliver, the boy who lived across the street from us, had a huge sandbox with lots of plastic soldiers and army vehicles set up for war.

He worried that he was too old to play with toys but I told him that it was okay, because they are war toys. “Thats different,”I say to make him feel better.“Grownups play with them too”

I don’t feel brave or daring anymore and allow myself to cry.

I just can’t go to school. I think to myself. I’m so sick of all those girls hating me.

My best friend is Karen who eats French dressing and dried Chinese noodles sandwiches for lunch. She thought of the recipe when she ran out of sandwich stuff after she made lunch for all her brother’s. But, even though I have friends I still can’t face them.

The hours drag by in the sandbox and I start to worry. What if my sister gets home before me and then Mom finds out? I needed to find out the time. (I can’t see into any of Oliver’s windows.)

Then I remember Mom’s office has a clock and run furtively across the street and quietly step behind the bushes in front of the window.

I very slowly peek in.

Mom sees me and screams!

I try to look casual.

“Hi. You scared me! What are you doing?” She says

“Nothing.” I say.

“You’re home early.” She says.”Where’s Caroline?”

I think fast. “I took the early bus.”

“They have an early bus now?” She asks.

“Well, ya just for today cause somethings happening at the school.” I say

“What’s happening at the school?”she asks and turns pale.

“Nothing bad or anything “I say “just an assembly. She should be here soon” I say.

“I’m calling the school.” she says and reaches for the phone.

“No. Mom,” I say, “its really okay”

“It’s..it just seems strange and now I’m worried” she says.

“Mom, it’s okay!” I say.

She picks up the phone

“Mom. Wait!!!!! Mom. “ I say.

She puts down the phone and looks at me.

“Mom. I lied. “

She is silent.

“There isn't an early bus.” I say. “ I just didn't want to go to school today.”

“You what?” she asks

“I just didn't want to go to school.”

“What? Why?” She asks.

“I don't know. I just didn’t.” I say.

“You lied to me,” she said “straight to my face?”

“Yes “ I hang my head.

I’ve never lied to her before.

“But Why?” She says “There must be a reason.”

“I just didn’t want to go. “

I couldn’t tell her the truth.

“Where did you go?” She asks.

“Nowhere. I was just in Oliver’s back yard.

“With Oliver?”

“No Mom. Just by myself.”

“But why?”

I just can’t tell her that I was scared to face the mean girls.I haven’t even told her they existed.I wanted her to think that people liked me and she thinks that I’m brave.

“I’m calling the school to talk to the principal about this.”she said.

We had an appointment the next morning at the school.

The principal informed Mom that I was becoming a delinquent. She said it started with skipping school and gets worse from there.

I saw my way out and played the part perfectly.

I cross my arms in a defiant way and mumble “I don't know’ whenever they would ask me anything.

How could I tell them, or tell anyone, that I skipped school because of pimples!.

I’d much rather they think I was bad.

My very smart Mom figures out that I hate the school bus though and lets us take the GO train to school instead.

This works well for a while until I decide to just not get off the train...I just keep riding until home time.

Becoming a teenager wasn’t easy.

Mom decides then to make a renewed mission to help me learn math.

I was too old to climb trees to get away from her and she would just send Grandma to get me down anyway.

Posters of multiplication tables were still hung all over my side of the room.

I was failing.

My mark was under 50 percent and Mom and Dad were upset.

I was so mad that I couldn’t do math that I decided to just leave home and started walking down the street in my nightgown.

I knew that it was silly but I was really mad at myself.

When Mom was mad at Dad sometimes she jumped out of the car and started walking down the street while Dad called her name out the window.

I felt kinda free walking down the middle of the road in my long pink nightgown.

After a while, I wondered about bad guys and decided to turn around.

Mom and Dad had called the police on me.

It was because they were so worried of course.

I was across and down the street in Jenny’s back yard looking at her green murky pool when I saw the two cops and then they saw me.

They started running towards me so I ran to Jenny’s pool and started to climb the chain link fence that surrounded it.

I felt like a bad guy in a movie.

As I climbed up they pulled me down off the fence and put me into the back of the police car and drove me across the road to my house.

And that’s how I found out that police cars lock from the inside.

Anyway, these are the memories surfacing today cause

I’m feeling that exact same way.

Hated.

And like a bad guy in a movie.

There are still lots of mean people in the World who hate others because they are different or because they don’t believe the same way as them. They hate me now because I rented my theatre to people for a film production (who they already hated because they let ‘unvaccinated’ people eat burgers in their restaurant without masks on).

Cause now (instead of weird people) it’s unvaccinated people who are hated.

They are hated cause they don’t want to be injected with something that they believe is experimental and untested.

And now people think unvaccinated people have germs.

They don’t want to touch them cause they think they are unclean (just like in school when they thought all the weird people were too gross to touch.)

So I let these people (who are lovely people ) rent my theatre for a private event (which was filmed ) and which I thought was okay since filming was legal and cause they are all in the same bubble. (I already had rented it recently to a very sweet lady for her Mother’s 100 th private birthday event and we took a photo of their whole family on the stage.

They were all in the same family bubble and not one believed in wearing a mask.

I posted the photo and everyone commented on how beautiful it was that this family had this lovely get together.

I’ve also posted livestreaming parties that we filmed with background performers dancing without masks during lockdowns.

And everyone commented on how happy we were.

And we all thought it was perfectly legal.

But not this time.

This time they didn’t think the dancing was happy.

These people shouted the word “freedom” and they said the video was full of bad language.

They made fun of the musician who recorded some songs .

They laughed at them (and at all of us )and said it was a party from hell.

Because there wasn’t very many people.

And they said they were spreading disease (even though they are all in the same bubble)

They said on Twitter that I would be in deep trouble and no one would ever come to my “covid infested” theatre again.

I wanted to tell them that not many came to my theatre anyway But now at least they have a reason.

But I didn’t say anything.

I just blocked them.

I spoke to Peterborough Public health for two hours and he was a very understanding and kind man. I told him about the lady who had her Mother’s 100th birthday party there. I told him about how we did filming and livestreaming with background performers dancing and about bubbles.

We talked about how the World was full of hatred right now.

They are deciding whether to fine me or not. And if they do he explained that the amount will be affordable (with no other repercussions)

I will be posting his letter as soon as I get it.

They will not be closing us down (at all).

And he said that it’s totally fine to go on with my parent and child theatre practice so I will do that.

But that is all.

There was 4 news articles (most from different news companies ) written about me without even asking me for my thoughts and one written after we texted.

Most, making me out to be some sort of criminal.

So, when you see the closed sign the gossip will be that we were closed down but that won’t be true. They just slandered me too much to bother opening.

I followed the rules with 3 huge pieces of plexiglass and all the protocols but then I have a private event (which I thought was legal cause they were filming) and now I’m the talk of the town.

You see, that school secretary wasn’t totally right.

People don’t like you if they think you are a little bit bad but they sure do notice you.

It isn’t good what this society has become.

Filled with judgement and discrimination, hating a group of people whose only crime is that they don’t want experimental stuff injected into their families.

And, if people are in the same bubble, having a private event, how would masks (which have been proven not to work) make any difference?

But, don’t worry, I am not going to be doing any private (or public) events for a long long time cause people are too mean.

So go ahead and hate me all you want.

I’m used to it.

And I’m closed.