Loving you

Andy was in the holding cell, where they first put you when you go to jail.

Mallory and Moe and I had gone to the hospital the day before to confirm my pregnancy.

‘You’re having twins!’ said the technician. Mallory looks shocked and looks over at me for my reaction.

I smile at her and think fast.

‘One for each of you!’ I say and her 6 year old self smiles.

Jake was three. I told him that soon there would be two little babies following him around everywhere.

“They’ll say,’Moe! Moe! Moe!” I say.

Mallory and I follow little Moe around the hospital pretending to be the twins.

When we get outside Moe says, “Make the car talk Mommy!’

‘I’m driving you to get ice cream now’ I say in my deepest voice. ‘But I’m getting sooo old’, my voice creaks ‘that I’m going to have to go really really slow’

I drive out of the hospital parking lot slowly the sun blinding me.

‘Make the Sun talk!’ says little Moe.

At first, Andy doesn’t believe me. It was hard to believe. When I told Mom she laughs thinking I’m joking. I tell her not to tell Dad.

‘You can’t tell him Mom. He’ll have a heart attack”I say.

Andy glares at me through the bars. His words are spate out to me through gritted teeth, “you better fucking abort them”. he said.

He knew I wouldn't. It was his fault after all.

That Christmas, he made the usual promises he couldn’t keep and gave the kids rides on his belt and gave presents of chocolate for them and wine for me.

He wanted to stay over because it was Christmas. In the dark, after I put the kids to bed with the story of Santa Claus, he made more promises. Christmas was the only night the kids would go to sleep right away because I said they had to or Santa couldn’t bring presents. “He doesn’t want anyone to see him.” I said.

“He wants to surprise us?” asks Moe.

“Yes, he does Moe,” I said. “ so close your eyes!” And I kissed them lots. Once, they were asleep I tiptoed around making everything perfect. I ate the cookie for Santa and chewed up the carrot for the reindeer spitting out the chewed bits all over the porch.

“You’re a wonderful Mother” said Andy. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you”

He kissed me and made promises.

“Please, May” he said. “Just one last time. It’s Christmas “

“We don’t have any protection” I said.” I didn’t know you..”

I looked in the mirror afterward and felt a shock go through me and I knew.

I had discovered the friendship of other Mother’s at the library drop in and at the park. The children would play and we would talk. Soon I organized a ladies’ night out but Andy didn’t like it.

I invited my sister too. I missed her.

Andy was taking pills that his psychiatrist gave him that were supposed to make him less angry. I had convinced him to stop blaming his parents and fix his problems. I was determined to make him better. I even went with him to the psychiatrist appointments I made for him.

‘Andy’ I said. “I understand you have issues with jealousy but you have to learn to trust me’

‘I don’t know how to trust anyone..’he said sadly.

“I know.” I said. “So you can come at midnight to our girls night. We’ll start at 10 so that should give us enough time for girl talk..okay?

‘Okay’ he said and I thought I had everything under control.

I was going to spend time with my sister, my new friends and my husband was going to get better. I even found a babysitter. She was in love with me and lived across the street. She had a little boy and always kept her tv on which I didn’t believe in but the kids found it comforting. They hadn’t been babysat before.

My single mother friends meet my sister and I in Hess Village. And for almost an hour I have a wonderful time

Andy shows up before 11 totally drunk out of his mind.

My friends don’t understand why he is there.

I’m so angry I can’t even look at him but I keep laughing and talking trying to have fun. He follows

us around Hess Village to each bar ordering martini ‘s.

I walk over.

‘What are you doing here? “ I say”You promised not to come until midnight’

‘I needed to see you.’He says drunkenly.

I find out later that he took the rest of his pills the psychiatrist gave him.

My new friend Carrie comes over while I’m talking to him and asks me to dance.

He sits staring at me drinking his ridiculous martinis as Carrie spins me around the room.

Carrie and Roxy and my sister are the only ladies left at closing time. The rest slowly leave made uncomfortable by his presence.

We walk home and Andy falls on the pavement outside the bar. Roxy walks home the other way and Carrie invites my sister to smoke a joint. Carrie lives in the apartment across from me above my new babysitter.

I’m supposed to meet them after I check the kids and pay the sitter but Inside my house, Andy has descended into madness.

I plan to discuss all this with his psychiatrist on Monday.

He is sitting on the kitchen floor with a fork stabbed into the roast and is eating it like an animal. I made the roast because my sister was visiting.

I put the kids to sleep upstairs in my bed assuming that Andy is passed out on the sofa downstairs.

I walk downstairs to fix my hair before finding my sister and Carrie. Andy isn’t asleep.

He grabs my hair and puts a kitchen knife down my throat telling me not to move for a long long time. Hours pass and I don’t want to die.

His eyes don't see me anymore.

I try to call my sister and Carrie with my mind but they thought I fell asleep with the kids.

The kids call for me and he lets me go but follows me upstairs and hovers with the knife behind his back above our bed.

When he goes to the bathroom I get the kids out the window and scream from the roof.

The police arrive and he drives to his office and barricades himself inside. They drag him to jail.

All because I wanted to go out with friends.

I find out that the pills Andy was given by his psychiatrist are potentially dangerous and not only is each pill to be administered once every 3 months instead of once every week, the patient is to avoid family members for a few days after they start a new pill.

The incident likely caused by an over dose of pills combined with alcohol and all the different pills he had been given in the past three weeks.

In court, I tell the judge that I am not an abused woman.

I have taken University courses in Sociology and this, I say, is not an ordinary case. Andy isn't an abusive man but mentally ill and his psychiatrist was negligent.

His sentence was shortened and they put him in a mental health jail in Guelph for a year.

We visit him like it’s an adventure.

‘Make the car talk Mommy!’ says Moe.

‘ I’m taking you to a magical place today where you can swim outside !’ I say in a deep voice.

I found an outside pool in Guelph near the jail I could take them to.

At the pool, Moe sits in front of me and I wrap him up in my dress whenever he gets cold.

It’s a perfect day, just like that song by Lou Reed that was playing when he was born.

Mallory shares my excitement. We decide to have a picnic sitting up on the hood of the old station wagon eating a pie from the bakery.

We visit Andy and he promises them letters.

When we visit again the twins are one month old..

I feel embarrassed of my body.

The twins were 7,9 and 8,5 and I looked like I had a beach ball in my dress. He assures me on the phone that he doesn’t care.

When we get into the visiting room we see him at his table in the same orange suit.

I walk in with the twins in car seats, one in each hand wearing a dress with buttons that go all the way down. Somehow as I walk in my dress opens up all the way.

Andy looks at me and I look down at my dress. My awful tummy exposed to everyone in the room.

Andy says I turned completely white.

‘May’ he says.’Are you okay?”and

I try to pretend that I don’t care.

When the twins are 3 months old im told thst soon he will be allowed out.

The forensic psychiatrist tells me, in her office ,that Andy is better. and says that he did well under her care. She believes he is no longer a threat.

I can’t believe it.

He calls,”May..the courts won’t allow me to see all of you. Not at first anyway. So will you be too scared to meet me? I miss you all so much.”

“You mean will I be too scared to meet with a criminal in dark parking lots ?” I say jokingly but my heart starts pounding.

“Ya” he says “will you? I want to play you the song I wrote for you on my guitar.”

I have no idea what to say.