Musings on Friendship

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about friendships, relationships, and how they all fit into my life—how I show up in the world, the amount of energy I should invest in each friendship, what I’m getting from each one... and I can't say I've shed much light on the subject!

But what's clear to me is that pain is inevitable. I've had a few big disappointments in my life regarding friendships. After the longest female friendship I ever had ended, something in me closed. A hard shell seemed to form around my heart. I went on with superficial (mostly male) friendships, putting all my "friendship eggs" in the basket of whomever I was dating. After my longest romantic relationship ended, I went back to nurturing friendships with women. There were a few really good ones, but moving countries didn’t help keep them close.

As an immigrant in the country I live in, it's been hard to make friends in real life. I’ve tried and failed a few times over the past years. Once, I wrote in my journal that I wanted to manifest an older lady who would be a great friend and mentor. She appeared not long after, almost like a dream come true at first. But slowly, her "mentoring" turned into criticizing me, pointing out flaws, and trying to help me solve problems I didn’t have. She would sow confusion and fear whenever possible, only to then offer solutions. How strange! At the same time, I’m realizing that I may be the bad guy in her story. And that's OK.

Online friendships are easier because you get to show a more curated version of yourself. You write whenever you're at your best, and if you choose to connect over audio or video, you can mentally prepare for the encounters.

I’m good at presenting curated versions of myself. I can come across as professional, emotionally stable, empathetic, caring—like I have my life together. And to some degree, I do. But there are also times when I feel whiny, pathetic, and just plain yuck.

So, if I were to guess why my IRL friendships seem to fail, it’s that these people get to see the not-so-great parts of me. And to some extent, this can add depth to a friendship—if they’re willing to stay after.

But as adults, we want friendships that are drama-free. We want lightness and comfort, not hearing about the heaviness of life over and over again. (I'm guessing we're all familiar with it to some extent.)

Where am I going with this? I guess this reflection was prompted by a recent disappointment in friendship. I may also attract a certain type of person, but what’s for sure is that I feel rejected and hurt by someone who has been hot and cold, and it’s been wearing me down. What blossomed as an online friendship for five years turned to dust within two months of living in the same town and seeing each other more often in real life.

I’ve been writing about this person in my journal a lot, and I guess I just need someone to tell me to refocus my energy on more productive things—like writing, painting, work, my own life. A part of me says, "You should embrace change, go with the flow of life, accept the situation, and try to see the good in it."

How do you decide when it's time to let go of a friendship you’ve worked hard to build and maintain as an adult? When do you say, enough is enough? What signs do you look for or what does that inner voice sound like? I'd love to hear from others' experiences.