Moving On

Moving on from a relationship can be extremely difficult, but what happens when the relationship breakdown is due to the fact that the person you invested all your time and energy into is a narcissist? You fell in love with the worse type of personality there is, Narcissists are energy-draining, soul-crushing creatures who make you feel that no matter what you are just not good enough, that it is your fault only.

I dealt with a man (and I use that term loosely) that was like that for a whole bunch of years starting in high school, granted it wasn't a solid amount of years but off and on, he was cold and callous, I always thought the break down of the relationship was my fault because that is how he made me feel, I always felt like I was not good enough for him, or even enough, he always had a numerous amount of women begging for his attention and unfortunately, he catered to all of them regardless of how they looked or acted, he bruised my soul and shattered my heart, I have written several stories about him, I made the mistake of giving him a second, third, fourth a never-ending amount of chances that all ended up the same. He'd either lose total interest or get distracted by a new girl, I guess it's kinda the same thing when you think about it. You would think I would've learned my lesson the first half dozen times but nope, I had to keep it going on several occasions the final time was about 2 years ago he came back into my life like a tornado, this time I actually believed he was different, I mean he acted differently, he talked to me differently, he even said things that were different. Unfortunately, though things were not different, he once again broke my heart with his philandering ways, we even spoke about moving in with each other at one point, he always made some sort of excuse as to why he didn't feel it was right, he attempted to make his way into my friend's lives, my daughters, anyone who was immediately around me, I don't know why that last time I chose to believe the lies he told me, or not question everything he had said to me like I had every other time before. Maybe it was because of him confessing his love for me, I am sure some people are thinking yeah, and? The reason it was so significant was mainly that in the 30+ years of knowing him, dating him, or sleeping with him, whatever it was we did, he never once told me he loved me, he never even implied he loved me, so for some reason that seemed like such a significant difference this time around, that I thought for once maybe, just maybe he was actually telling the truth, I mean it made sense that he may actually have loved me, mainly because why would he bother continuing to come back? Why would he want me at all when quite frankly he could have anyone? Why after all the years, and all the arguments, would he bother with me if he didn't love me? I still don't know if that was the only truth he ever told me, I still have a hard time understanding how it could be so easy after so many years for him to finally utter those 3 little words if he didn't really mean them, but in the end, it didn't end up mattering.

He did end up getting distracted by another girl, he ended up moving in with her, he was in a tumultuous relationship with her for several months, I don't think a relationship between 2 addicts would be any different, after he moved on from her, he moved on to several others before finally returning to the woman he initially started out with, the woman who he met after me, the woman he cheated on his child's mother with, the same woman he has cheated on and left numerous times over the 20 years he's been messing with her head. Like he messes with everyone else's. I almost feel sorry for her, not because I don't think she deserves it, I mean she did break up his relationship of 10 years, with a woman he had a child with, she was the other woman until his ex found photos of her in his draw, and left, I feel sorry for her because she actually thinks he may change, she doesn't accept the fact that he is a perpetual cheater, that she isn't different.

In the end, though I actually did realize several things about him the last time around, he is a fantastic actor for one, he needs to be involved with a girl who believes the lies he spouts on a regular basis, and doesn't question what he says or does, the problem with me is I know when he is lying and frequently call him out on his bullshit, and although at the beginning I did not question him, and I believed him, because of previous track record he knew it was only a matter of time that would change.

The second thing I learned was he definitely has a mental problem, it is not normal to be able to turn off your feelings like a light switch, he has the ability to change his feelings like someone changes their underwear.

The third lesson I learned it no matter what he will never be able to keep his pants closed or his bed empty, he is a perpetual man whore, he will never be satisfied with one person.

His life is a living play, each day he plays a part, a part he chooses based on his needs and who is around him that can fulfill those particular needs for that day, sometime the part will last a day, sometime it will last a week, he can ultimately jump from whichever character is needed at the drop of a hat, whatever will benefit him the most, and as quickly as possible.