Mother's Days Confessions

Hey Mum,

I have never told you this before, but you broke my heart. Smashed it into pieces then stamped on it with the sole of your foot until it was nothing but powder beneath your feet, you have broken me in ways there is no way I could ever rebuild it into the once pure and hopeful heart I used to possess.

You forced me to grow up way too young, I went from barbies to mothering overnight, simply because you could not look after yourself. Your mental health dominated my life from the day I was born, so much so it took me 22 years to realise I wasn’t okay, because all I had for comparison was your mental health, the extreme end of the spectrum. I am far from okay. I’m not going to lie, it isn’t totally your fault, there is a large handful of other unfortunate events that have left a deep scar in my soul, but as you are the one who raised me, you are the one who moulded me into a Narcissistic greatest prize, the blame unfortunately mostly falls on you.

The last year especially has been a rollercoaster of realisations, one metaphoric bus after the other hitting me, each week, month and on the hardest days multiple a day. So, I took the hard decision of cutting the cord with you, sending you a letter telling you I needed space, especially as I had my new found independence by living by myself, away from parents. Originally the silence was only meant to last a few months while I sorted my head out, as just the thought of speaking to you over text was sending me into such a panic. The thought of having to see you and pretend I wasn’t hurt by you left such a suffocating cloud on me it pushed me into a horrific place. I was signed off work for several weeks and for the first time in my life shoved on medication to force me to sleep. I couldn’t eat, I couldn't sleep and it felt like for a long time my entire world as I knew it was crumbling around me, everyone I thought I knew suddenly didn't and it terrified me.

I wasn’t wrong though, it felt like my entire world was crumbling around me because that was exactly what was happening. This picture of the perfect façade I had grown up with, that my grandparents had drilled into my brain to believe from such a young child, was crumbling away. I was starting to see everyone's true faces and their true intentions, when the people you grew up idolising turn out to be some of the most broken people on the planet, you sit there and start questioning yourself. Makes me sit there and think, if i was raised by this narcissistic, attention seeking, self destructing, manipulative and gas lighting pro, then what kind of monster am I?

I forced myself into therapy and very quickly I learnt I wasn’t a monster, but I was a very broken young woman, who never had the childhood I truly deserved. Which made me so angry. I was so angry at you for such a long time, it hurt to think about you, my blood would boil and the second I heard your name I thought the worst. Then after many months of weekly therapy sessions it suddenly clicked in my brain, it is not my fault I am the way I am, a anxious mess with a severe guilt complex, struggles to express emotions and will self sabotage my relationships simply because I do not feel worthy of anything good, that is not my fault, so the way you are is not your fault and the way grandmother is, is not her fault.

I started learning about this thing called Generational Trauma, the easiest way to put it. My great-grandmother was abused by her mother, so she abused grandmother, grandmother was abused by her mother so she abused you, you was abused by your mother so you abused me. As it’s all anyone of you ever knew, it did not seem like abuse to any of you, not in the clarifying way I have realised it today. None of that is any of our faults but the simple fact you cannot maintain a solid relationship with your mother and grandmother also cannot maintain a relationship with her own, proves the abuse is there, you just refused to step out of your own self pity bubble, which all of you are stuck in, realise the damage you are doing to everyone around you as well as each other and start to become a independent separate person from this continuous loop of generational trauma.

It is not your fault you are broken, but what is your fault is doing nothing about it, playing victim over any tiny inconvenience life throws at you and using your unfortunate upbringing as an excuse to be a neglectful mother. Was you physically there, yes you were, I don’t dispute this, but emotionally, I was there for you, I supported you, I bent over backwards every day of my life to make you happy.

You’ve broken my heart because you stole my childhood.

You’ve broken my heart because you stole my teenage years.

You’ve broken my heart because you made me feel bad if I ever said no to you.

You’ve broken my heart because I never got the unconditional love and support from you that a daughter should have from their mum.

You’ve broken my heart because I have found out from strangers that you are going around bitching behind my back, while saying something completely different to my face and you’ve been doing this for years.

You’ve broken my heart because the one person who was meant to make me feel safe and loved, made me feel like a constant burden on your life and not deserving of love.

You’ve broken my heart because the times I have tried to tell you how I feel you tell me I am wrong, naïve and been manipulated to think these things, refusing to accept I am a fully grown adult with my own valid opinion.

You’ve broken my heart because when I fall in love I never go for it because I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough for them.

You’ve broken my heart because even if it is there sobbing in front of you, you’d never truly listen to what I have to say.

You’ve broken my heart because even though you are the most toxic person in my life, I still love you with every ounce of my body and a part of me inside just wants her mum.

You’ve broken my heart Mum… and it really fucking hurts.