Mom, this is my truth

Cion Mami,

Te quiero. I needed to make sure that I said that before I spilled the tea that I'd long held close to my lips. I love you, and everything I am, both good and bad, is a product of that love.

Did I ever tell you that in the early years of my life, I struggled not to shove my fingers down my throat and vomit after every meal? I know you're aware of my late-night visits to the fridge, where I binged on anything edible, but did you know that I clung to the toilet after every binge as if I were hanging on for dear life? But this letter isn't about my secret battle with binging and purging. Instead, I say all this to confess, mom, I think my eating disorder started with you.

I know you had to work. I know that growing up, you busted your ass to make ends meet, but God, I felt lonely. I desperately wanted you at every parent-teacher conference, on the family trips to the beach, and my birthdays. So I ate to fill the void, and I ate to distract myself from the loneliness until I couldn't breathe and felt pain from the bloat, and my only solution was to push it back out.

I notice we're not very affectionate, so in this letter, I'll tell you everything that is in my heart. First thing, thank you. I thank you because I know you sacrificed so much as a mother, as a woman, and as a person, all so that we can live. Mom, you succeeded because I never went without, and although it wasn't perfect, I look back at my childhood with fondness.

Did you know that I write for you? I doubt I ever told you that growing up. I remember you reading countless books, and I couldn't help but wonder what was in the books that managed to capture your attention? On the rare occasion you took the day off while I fought over the T.V with Jordan, a slight chuckle would slip from your mouth. Then, secretly, I'd take your finished books and read them cover to cover, hoping to learn more about you.

I wanted to talk to you, really talk to you. I wanted to have a conversation about the story, the characters, and us. Now with every poem, every story, every song, I wonder what you would think? Here's another confession, my absolute dream in life is to write something that'll captivate you. I want to write something that'll bring a smile to your lips and make a laugh rumble from your chest. I want to write a story that will reach your heart and make you cry... You read right, and I want to make you cry tears of joy. I want to give you a reason to brag about me to everyone and anyone. I still haven't made that dream real, but I'm working on it; please feel at ease; I'm working to heal. I meet with a therapist weekly to work through my eating disorder.

I'm sorry I never told you. I really did try to think of some funny confessions, but in the end this is the only thing I could think of. I know I should have told you, but it's not easy exposing a part of myself that I know is ugly and disgusting. I've been so scared of people looking down on me as if I'm less than. My eating disorder has made me feel more isolated than I've ever been, and now as a grown woman, I want no walls between us. Mom, You're the only home I've had, the only home I ever need. Thank you for being my mom. Mami, te quiero mucho! One day I'll make my dream a reality.

With all my heart,

Crystal