Misunderstood

I heard this question, "If you could write a book about your life, what would the title be called?" And that's where I got "Misunderstood" from. Because I've spent my whole life feeling that way. Nothing short of that. But I'm not really a "book writing" type of person. So instead of writing a book, I'm just going to turn this into a series of articles. So this is the story of my life.

-Note: I won't be telling everything but I'll tell what I feel comfortable with. This is just me humbly sharing my story. Maybe people can relate.

Well I have a lot of deep rooted trauma from childhood. Growing up the way that I did wasn't easy. But when is it ever? There were a few forms of abuse such as some physical, mental, and psychological. But I didn't know this until I was 18 and I was already going through enough as is at the time and to find that out, that was definitely something to process. I was getting out of a relationship that I got myself entangled into. And a form of abuse went on there, which was narcissistic abuse.

But back to my childhood, it wasn't easy growing up. A split happened and now me and my siblings had a single parent. Seeing things like that affects kids more than you know. I'm supposed to be a kid. I feel like I grew up too fast and didn't fully enjoy being a kid. I felt I had to step up, be independent, and be the man and the woman. I have many regrets as a kid and that is one of them.

Growing up where I had a parent that made me feel small, that's how I grew up to feel. I couldn't stand up for myself. I was the weak friend and person in general who would let people step all over me. That's another one of my biggest regrets. not standing up for myself. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. There's nothing wrong with being nice but I felt I was a little bit too nice. I was a people pleaser. It caused me to say "yes" to things I may not even wanted to say "yes" to. Saying "yes" to things that caused me to go against my morals.

It caused me to make more mistakes which caused me to have even more regrets, along with guilt and shame. Those mistakes more so came from relationships. Wanting to say "yes" to almost anyone who would be willing to show me the love I felt I didn't get from one of my parents. It caused me to become bitter and guarded when that person, or people, didn't live up to my expectations. But how can I expect anyone to love me the way I deserve if I didn't? But I never got taught to love myself.

I know what it's like to look in the mirror and not like what I see. not feel good enough, not feel worthy, not feel beautiful. I know what it's like to walk around not feeling confident, unsure of myself, and so on. It caused me to put people, especially men before myself. I knew God but I didn't know God the way that I do now. The way that I perceived myself was less than stellar as well.

I know this article is all over the place but I was kinda giving a brief summary on what I've been through and the effects of it. I will be a little more specific about my life story, and the lessons I've learned along the way, in my future articles.