Lover

It wasn’t love at first sight-it’s not as if I hated the man but, I was done with boys. That’s all the opposite sex was to me-none of them had ever proven themselves to be anything else. I didn’t want a stupid relationship, I didn’t even want a house friend. Somehow, you became the only guy friend that had ever made sense…the best friend I’d ever had. That year wasn’t our time mainly because in my mind all men were egotistical scum, and you had a girlfriend.

At least not when we first made eye contact in the lunchroom, the first respectable man I’d ever met.

Our attraction was discovered much later-

In fact, one year later.

Talking to you was otherworldly, we connected on a deeper level than I’d ever experienced with anyone else. I remember thinking to myself that you’d make a good boyfriend but, that was all there was to it-I had zero feelings. Yet.

An experience I hadn’t yet had when talking To the opposite sex, getting gaslighted and teased by little boys you’re entire life will do that to a girls mind.

We had agreed to go on our first date through social media without having seen the other in one year

It was awkward. I don’t even know how to accurately articulate how awkward this type of awkwardness stuck in the air between us, as everyone else chatters away.

I stole glances at you from the moment you arrived, deep feelings swirling inside of me even though we technically weren’t that serious yet. I nervously arched my lips into a smile as he talked to my stepmother and father, secretly sad that my dad wouldn’t look you in the eye-barely shook you’re hand. I couldn’t allow myself to fixate on my obvious daddy issues, this was too important. You treated me as if you really cared and that was a foreign concept-from the moment you showed up in my life, I always knew that you’d do anything to see me smile or do anything to make me happy. Even on the first date.

When you asked if you could hold my hand, a nervous itch ached at the back of my throat but-I bit the bullet.

Our hands intertwined together like we’d always been meant for the other, like you were the one I’d been searching for-like you were made just for me. The thought comforted me, through the thick awkwardness that is me.

When we walked through that haunted house line I fought the urge to tell you I was deathly scared of Clowns-I knew it was childish.

The only reason I ventured forward was at the contact you’re hand allowed, you gave me the strength to move towards something that had formally petrified me. You still give me strength to do things that scare me-you make me face things I need to confront about myself.

I think in a way, I’ve always known you’d be the love of my life. I read people like a detective-like BatMan, if you will. You’ve always been that one person I could trust to love me correctly.

You may think that you’re not cute or adorable but, I wouldn’t want to have had anyone else holding me up that night. Or buying me chicken nuggets from McDonald’s at ten pm.

You were gentle with me, which meant a lot because you were my first boyfriend. Ever. Getting gaslighted by pointless guys in high school makes you never want to trust a man again-I’m glad I made the exception-for you.

The moment I really saw you was when we were heading to McDonald’s that night, and you let me nap on you’re shoulder.

You still take my breath away even after four years, I love you my baby.